Ep 265: iDon't [108:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Don’t put your dick in anything else, or you’ll die.”

I hate when you start playing a video game, for example, the zelda game for the nintendo ds… So I hate when you stop playing the game for a few years, then maybe one day you feel bored, so you pick up the game to play again. Where the fuck am I and what the fuck am I supposed to be doing? It’s been so long, I have no idea where I am in the game. Ok, here is my boat, I guess I’ll hop on that and go somewhere. So like two hours later, I finally figure out where I’m supposed to be. It’s a stupid dungeon that’s timed, and there is all these knight things walking around trying to smack me and take my time away. I tried to get through this stupid dungeon for another hour or so, and finally got mad and remembered why it’s been like three years since I’ve played this game. I don’t like that dungeon.

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 Ep 264: Finish Me Off [87:26m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I think I’m feeling some movement in my guts.”

I guess maybe the last time I addressed this, some people may not have read it, or perhaps I used words that were too big for certain people to understand. When you call into a podcast such as The Jamhole, don’t be the asshole that has his (or her) speakers cranked up. If you call in, turn them shits on mute. Also, I understand getting nervous when calling into a show like this, we’ve all done it, hell, I’ve done it. But please make sure you have something in mind to say. Also, if you are going to play a “prank” make sure it’s funny. Pretending like you don’t hear us, then you hear us, then you don’t hear us does not constitute a prank. It just makes you sound like a retard. Also remember this, when you call in, I have your phone number. I’m going to let what happened in this episode slide this one time. You have been warned, but if you do it again, you will feel the full force of exactly how big of an asshole the internet, and our fans, can be. Trust me, that is not something you want to experience. Moving on from this, I have one more thing I would like to address. If you are going to come into a chat room such as ours, talking about how god told you to save us, make legitimate points. Don’t sit there for two hours chasing your own theological tail. It only makes you sound ignorant, and proves my point that much more. That is all I’m going to say about this. We will discuss in more details on Friday’s show. Thank you for listening.

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 Ep 263: Butthole Pucker [86:18m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“For some reason they always want head in my crouch.”

It continues to blow my mind on a daily basis the things you so called civilized rational humans accept as truth. For one, I find it quite sad that you are willing to blow thousands of dollars on bullshit homeopathic remedies, yet you get all up in arms when the schools that educate your children need more money. For two, you are afraid to vaccinate your children because you’ve heard that either vaccines cause autism, the h1nword vaccine hasn’t been tested thoroughly enough yet, or the newest piece of negative press, that the flu vaccine causes dystonia. Are you fucking kidding me people? It’s retards like you that make me glad I don’t want any kids. I would be so fucking pist if I had a child and it had to interact with all your idiot kids. You can barely make good decisions for yourselves, yet you think you can properly raise children? It’s people like you that are ruining this beautiful planet we live on. So go ahead, keep wasting your money on placebos, or throwing it into the tax free black hole that is the church. If this 2012 thing is really going to happen, it will be by your hand and your actions. It blows my mind that some of you have managed to survive this long. You are very lucky the world is littered with so much convenience, otherwise you’d be just another fossil buried in the monkey muck.

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 Ep 262: Holy Hell [87:18m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Everything fucking hurts and I’m sober, nothing is ok.”

The hunter stalks it’s prey, waiting patiently for the chance to strike. Sneaking slowly around corners, hiding in the shadows cast down by the grungy flickering street lights of the alley. You can hear the buzz of the moths as they circle around the warm glowing globe. Attracted to the light, attracted to the heat, don’t get too close though, or else you’ll burst into flames. The smells of rotting garbage caress the nose of the one who stalks. Corn stalks, wheat stalks, but none in comparison to this man. Standing six feet tall when fully erect, clothed in black cargo pants and black velcro shoes, a white shirt barely visible behind a long flowing black overcoat. Plenty of pockets filled with tools of the trade, a large razor sharp knife more for inflicting fear than anything else. A glock nine millimeter with two extra clips just in case. He’s never used it, but you never know when you might need it. Syringes filled with Etorphine Hydrochloride, allowing our hunter to easily subdue the prey with minimal fuss. The pin prick of the needle is all they feel, then darkness, then nothing. These are the tools of a man who has had enough. These are the tools of a man who has switched career paths, from a lowly office executive with nothing, living paycheck to paycheck in hopes of one day getting the praise he feels he deserves. The new job doesn’t pay as good monetarily, but money isn’t everything. It’s all about the feeling. The feeling of being in complete control of another. Watching the fear in their eyes as the last bit of blood drips from the wound, painting a slippery red mural on the dirty ground. Blood sweat and tears make the world go around. Thirty three percent of each, which leaves that last one percent to chance.

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 Ep 261: Take It or Leave It [79:01m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“The doctor told me I have a perfect abdomen.”

Another birthday in the record books, I sit here and wait for Danni to get back from the hospital. Thank you to everyone who took a few moments out of their busy schedules to wish me a happy birthday on the internet, and who wished her get well soon. I’m really at a loss of what to say right now, so I’ll just say this. Keep an eye out for low flying birds. Have you ever had a bird hit the side of your car while you were driving? I have, and it’s not a pretty sight. What really blew my mind is that I was smoking about five minutes before impact, and if I would have had my window rolled down, the bird would have smacked me right in the side of the head, probably knocking me the fuck out and causing a chain reaction of events that would have ended poorly for myself, as well as the bird. Sometimes I think they do that kind of shit on purpose. Kind of like a weird flea bitten, worm eating kamikaze pilot, homing in on its target. They know! The birds always know. Especially that one bird on the fruity loops box. He fucking knew, and so did his nose. I don’t trust birds.

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 Ep 260: Sex Monster [78:44m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Would you say the internet has made you a better fucker, or a worse fucker?”

For being as technologically advanced in our civilization and society as we are, we seem to have a strange fascination with creating weapons that have the capability to completely destroy all existence as we know it. We don’t even have just one mode for total destruction either. We have a vast array of devices and contraptions that are all equally pernicious as they are  terrifying. You can’t really blame us if you go back through the historological records, the law of the land favoring the group with the biggest, baddest weaponry. Whether you are simply protecting yourself from invasion, or doing the invading, having the most high tech arsenal will always increase your chances of decimating those who oppose you. No shit you’re probably saying to yourself. Fucking duh Mat, everyone knows this. The point of what I’m really stoned and trying to get across is this. If humans are so fucking awesome and advanced and shit, then why the fuck do we still have petty bullshit problems to worry about like WAR, or using up all our natural resources, which also happens to play a tiny little discreet role in the equilibrium of our planet. Not to sound like a faggy hippy tree hugger or anything, but seriously, we are killing the planet we depend on to sustain us. No planet, no us. Know planet, know us. HAH! That’s like those stupid no god things that are all over twitter trends right now. I want one that says “No god, no shit!”

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 Ep 259: Beating Around the Bush [85:57m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Who can be mad at a chick who likes to suck dick all the time.”

I was outside smoking when I saw a bee. Weird I thought to myself, this one must have gotten lost on the way to the hibernation spot. It was a big bee too, and every time it tried to fly, it fell and rolled around on the ground. “Should have listened to your bee leader,” I thought to myself. This bee was probably like, “Yea right, I’ll go underground when I’m good and ready, I still have days of warm fall weather left.” This bee failed to take into consideration global warming messing with our weather cycles, and the fact that the sun is starting its trip back into the solar maximum, and probably the fact that  the bee leader stays in full communication with all the other bee leaders, and has access to more information this way, in turn allowing bee leader to make a more informed decision. The lost bee tried to fly off  but instead hit the top of the stairs and rolled and flopped all the way down to the ground floor. This made me think the lost bee was the drunk of the hive. Always missing work, plagued with a constant hangover, never reliable enough to hold a job for more than a few weeks at a time. It’s a good thing bee’s don’t have a working system of money, or else this lost bee might be paying child support to multiple single bee mothers, putting a strain on the bee welfare system, causing whole bee colonies and bee economies to crash. Then I thought to myself, “Hmm, they are having bee colony problems.” “Maybe they do have a working system of money, and the bee keepers keep finding these deserted colonies because of lazy drunk bees who keep straining the colony to the point of collapse, then all the bees have to find a new colony to populate until the cycle repeats itself over and over again!” Perhaps the bees tried to mimic the inner workings of human society, and when our economy crashed, so did theirs. Did I just solve the colony collapse problem? I’m not even a licensed bee keeper or scientist or anything. I’m just stoned. Actually, even for a skilled writer such as myself, it gets hard to think of something to write for each episode. I hope you enjoy this. I do it for you.

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 Ep 258: Diss Me Diss You [90:24m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade, am I right or am I right?”

There comes a time in every podcast’s life where it eventually out grows the space it lives in. If you noticed the account suspended message right after the live show on Wednesday night, all the way through yesterday afternoon, then you will know my pain. I about shit myself AGAIN after I saw the account suspended message when I tried to post this episode. We will discuss this a little bit on Friday’s episode, but to sum it up, basically, The Jamhole was using way more than the allowed server resources (memory and processor), to be on a shared server plan. So long story short, The Jamhole and all of you awesome crazy motherfuckers of the great nation of Jamholia, caused the shared server to become very unstable. Nice work! I would like to thank our awesome web host for getting us back up and running on our very own server so quickly. I would also like to apologize to the first person that took my call the morning after the site got shut down. Let’s just say I wasn’t exactly the perfect picture of kindness and whoever that person was, they got the culmination of 258 episodes worth of my verbal wrath. I know it wasn’t your fault, but you were the first real person to get my call after four different automated menus, and a half hour hold time. I would also like to thank Jennifer for being so patient with me, and for cutting a few corners here and there to get us back up and running as quickly as humanly (or digitally) possible. You guys moved over 20 gigs worth of Jamhole awesomeness really fucking fast! So yea, we’re back up and better than ever. We are also paying a shitload more money to have our own dual core processing, dedicated server. So please go check out the trailer of our 250th episode live party show, and if you feel so compelled, go buy the full length movie and other awesome Jamhole merchandise! Support your favorite podcast.

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 Ep 257: Best Produced [89:16m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I don’t believe in evidence, I believe in magic and rainbows.”

The world teeters on the brink of complete destruction as we quickly approach a total world population of seven billion people. I feel like this might be a tad too many for our planet to support. The scary thing is, that even though we know we are running out of space, resources, and patience, people still insist on reproducing to an extreme degree. I know that everyone thinks the whole point of life is to have as many children as you possibly can before your dick falls off and your womb dries out, but if we want to really survive the fast approaching complete break down of society as we know it, some changes have to be made. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but maybe it’s time people stop having four, five, and even six kids per family. Maybe just for now, until we figure out where to put all you animals, we try to limit ourselves to one child, two at the maximum. We have made amazing breakthroughs in birth control, so don’t worry, you can still fuck till your little heart is content without giving birth once a year. Please, for the future of the children you all have already brought into this world, and for the rest of us who will live quite happy lives not having any children, stifle your seed. Either wrap it up, or feed that vagina some birth control. Your planet will thank you. If, of course, you decide not to heed my warning, then you can expect more pandemics to run wild in our society. Let’s just call it natures way of auto balancing the load.

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 Ep 256: Gangsterism [106:49m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Just put it in your fucking mouth so we can do this and go to sleep.”

The news is dead it seems, the people writing it are all dead, the people reading it are all dead. I’m dead as I type this to you right now, and you are dead reading it. What a sad emo world. Did you hear, people are calling windows 7 slower than vista? Everyone said xp was the shit, fuck vista. Then they said windows 7 would be the shit, fuck vista, now they say vista is the shit as long as all your shit is updated when you use it, and fuck everything else. This is why we’re all dead. The preachers are going to bring us that old time religion. You know, that same old time religion we tried to get away from back in the day when we first came to america. This is why we’re all dead. Every country in the world hates the united states, including canada probably, but somehow we get to be the boss of everyone. I like how we can have nuclear bombs but only us, and if anyone else has them that we don’t like, we’ll take them away. This is why we’re all dead. Speaking of the country, we owe about a babillion dollars to most of the other countries that hate us, so they develop their nuclear bombs on the down low, hoping the united states won’t find out. This is why we’re all dead. So keep on listening to podcasts, and watching television, and listening to the radio, and reading magazines, because hopefully someone on one of these shows will tell you all what to do when the shit hits the fan.

Thinking back now, I am kind of glad we’re so overpopulated. It will make the majority of the people good targets, taking the shots while the rest of us smarter less obese people will have time to get our shit together and get the fuck out. This is why we’re all dead. Greed has been allowed to run rampant within the walls of the united states, completely fucking up the equilibrium we started out with. We have whole industries dedicated to making a profit off of people who have lost all hope. Some of that profit is even tax free. This is why we’re all dead. We lock up countless people in jail because they smoke a harmless plant, yet the officials of our cities are racking up DUI points like it’s a game, potentially killing people every time they go out and celebrate. This is why we’re all dead. Enjoy your life while you have it and are still able to enjoy it. Make it out to your favorite podcast meetups, support your local live shows, communicate and interact. Make as many friends as you can, because one day, this way of life we have all become so painstakingly accustomed to, is going to explode, leaving in its wake a chance for people to rise up and start things over the right way. Oh and by the way, vaccinate your kids, or home school them. I don’t want the inconvenience of wearing a hazmat suit every time I want to go outside because you were all too stupid to keep your children vaccinated, and now we have a world full of disease out there. Just because your religion flourished during the dark ages, doesn’t mean you have to take us all back there. Thank you.

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