Ep 330: Free Slaves [90:19m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“There’s a hole down there and I put my fingers in it every night.”

Ok, so my time is short right now, so the show notes aren’t going to be anything special. Plus it’s April Fools (national liar liar day), so I’m really just not in the mood. All day I’ve had to deal with people’s retarded pranks and jokes. I used to enjoy the fuck out of this little merry prankster day, but I guess I’m just to that age and jaded enough to just not give a fuck anymore. Plus, on top of all that, I have a little hip hop performance tonight, and I’m still trying to get my shit memorized. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I mean after all, I did just write this whole song two days ago, then made changes, so I’ve had like a day to memorize the rhymes. On top of that, working a full time job, and producing this lovely podcast you all listen to, kinda has me creatively drained at the moment. So let me just say this. Topeka changing their name to Google was a retarded fucking move. Then today, Google changing their name to Topeka, totally changed it around and made me smile this morning. Good on ya Google. That was the one prank that actually didn’t make me want to punch the prankster in the face. Thanks for trying to keep it somewhat real Google. To the rest of you, we’ll see you tonight at Grizzly Jacks. You must be at least 21, and if you happen to be a female, your drinks and hopefully your clothes, will be half off. Show up around 9 to get good seats, because we’re going to pack the house tonight. Come watch us do some Montana rap music for y’all! YEEHAAW!

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 Ep 329: Godless Heathens [97:16m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“You are a cold blooded reptilian bitch.”

A while back I wrote a blog post about how I’m sick and tired I am of all these unicorns running rampant in our valley, scamming people out of money for bullshit magical remedies that have absolutely zero scientific evidence to support them. Well, it seems we have a backlash of pissed off magical unicorns on our hands. What I don’t understand is this. Why do the unicorns feel so threatened? I mean seriously, I’m not a unicorn, I just see what kind of animals they really are, and it makes me mad that they are allowed to scam people like this. So these unicorns either have nothing better to do, or feel threatened by what I’m writing because I am exposing them for what they really are. Horses with horns strapped to their heads, doused in glitter. I mean if you want a horse, why not just go spend money on a horse? But no, these unicorns have to give all animals like this a bad name, trying to create a niche for themselves, even though they have no proof that what they are doing actually works. Even the horses are starting to get pist about it. So listen up you punk ass unicorn piece of shit. You are so fucking lucky that I have respect for my boss, and that he has kindly asked me to back off and let you work your little fairy dust magic on the people of the valley. But I’ll tell you something, if you keep trying to get me fired, or if you keep fucking with my job the way that you are doing, and you know exactly what the fuck you’re doing, we are going to have big problems. Not even just with me, but with the Internet. Let me tell you from first hand experience watching these animals in action, the Internet and our loyal friends that live on the Internet, are not people you want to fuck with or have put all over your big horse face looking ass. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear. Also, if I do for some crazy reason, lose my job because of this, I will make it my life’s work to ensure that you receive every single bit of karma, or whatever the fuck it is you stupid fake ass unicorns believe in, comes back on you a hundred fold. I am not fucking around with you anymore. I left it alone after my initial blog post, but you had to take it to a whole other level, and that is simply unacceptable, especially for a creature of your age. So here’s an idea, instead of taking it to the level you have brought it down to, why not do some actual scientific research and provide us with the evidence you say is so clearly there. If the evidence is NOT there, then that means you are a complete and utter fraud. Because from what I’ve found on the internet relating to unicorns and their fake practice, it’s nothing but a scam. Granted, there are a few good ones here and there, but they aren’t unicorns, they are horses. Real life scientifically sound honest to goodness horses. It’s not even just me, ask all your horse friends, they will tell you the same thing, and they will also tell you to knock it the fuck off, because you are giving not only yourself a bad name, but the whole species you belong to. I really hope we are crystal fucking clear on exactly what I’m talking about here. Make no mistake, and thank your lucky fucking stars that I am a bigger man than you (even though you are a unicorn), because if I went down to your level, I’m telling you right now, it would not end well for you, or your fake ass practice. I will have your ugly ass long faced glitter covered head mounted on my fucking wall, and a necklace made out of your bullshit horn. End it now, before I end it for you.

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 Ep 328: Chud [93:06m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“It’s like farm equipment ok. It’s big.”

I’ve pretty much blown my creative load this weekend writing hip hop rhymes for the show this Thursday. It seems that from my one performance at Grizzly Jacks last Thursday, it has opened up a couple doors of opportunity. We’ll talk about the shows I’ll be rapping at so you guys can come down and check it out if your into that. The one major show I know of is on April 20th in Spokane. As we get the details, I’ll be sure to let you know. I’m very excited for this. Anyways, so I was combing the Google news site looking for something somewhat interesting to write about, when I found this little gem. It seems that over the weekend, the F.B.I. conducted a few raids in Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana on what they are describing as a “Christian militia group.” I don’t like the sound of that any more than you probably do. A Christian Militia? Are you fucking kidding me? That mixes the crazy belief system of a militia with the even crazier belief system of Christianity. Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes this country needs a good militia here and there to make sure the government doesn’t over step it’s bounds, like they seem to be doing a lot lately. But I am not at all down with a Christian militia group, or any religious militia group for that matter. You can’t mix those two kinds of crazy together, and if you do, you have a very unstable recipe for god justified violence. Especially if they get balls big enough to start fucking with other religious extremist groups. This could start world war three if they aren’t careful. So I did some quick checking, and this Christian militia group calls themselves the Hutaree (which means ”Christian soldier”), and if you can deal with trying to read white text over camouflage background (maybe pray to god for a web designer with a little color theory knowledge), you can see what they are all about. Here is a fun little quote taken from the group’s website.

“We believe that one day, as prophecy says, there will be an Anti-Christ… Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment.”

It seems from the news article that most of the arrests were focused around gun charges in one form or another. On the wiki page it says they were first targeted by the F.B.I after its members made threats of violence against Islamic organizations, and seven people were arrested for allegedly selling pipe bombs in Michigan, Ohio and Indiana. Now, the main thing I don’t understand with all of this end times bullshit, is that if you are really building up arms to go and fight the antichrist, do you think guns and pipe-bombs are going to have any effect whatsoever? If you believe what you say you believe, then the antichrist is basically Satan himself, which is basically the opposite power to god. So now your dealing with an all powerful evil being, and you are stocking up guns and explosives to try and stop him? Please wake the fuck up, this isn’t the movie Legion for fucks sake. As much as I would love to see the look on their faces when, first of all, there is no end times for their little religious militia to play “army” in (other than the one we might usher in by completely destroying the planet we live on), and two, if there happens to be an end times, they run out there with whatever weapons they managed to hide from the A.T.F., and start firing on Beelzebub himself, oh man it’s going to be a fucking party. But back to reality, (you know, where the rest of us live), there have been many end times predicted, and when the time comes for the prediction to come true and manifest something totally fucking epic, and it doesn’t, they just keep on moving the goal posts. Maybe not enough people believed, or maybe you didn’t pray hard enough. So we’ll all meet back here, same time, in the year 2012, and we’ll try again. Once again my mind has been blown at how easily people can be fooled into believing in something so childish. I’m appalled at the silly causes people actually give a fuck about enough to get behind. It’s always the wrong ones, and they almost always end up doing more damage than good. Thanks religion!

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 Ep 327: Financial Bust [96:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I’ve seen some fucked up boob jobs in my time.”

As some of you may know, I’m currently reading the book, “god is not Great” by Christopher Hitchens. When you read something like this, coming from a largely Christian Lutheran  upbringing, it really makes you think. Of course, I’ve come to the realization a long time ago that the evidence we currently have in no way supports what these religious nut jobs classify and believe in as a god. The bible itself is a huge contradiction not written by god, but by man. As you all know, man always has a hidden agenda, and if you think the bible is free of that, you are more naive than you thought. If you are doubting your faith in any way, or have a propensity towards learning about the horrendous atrocities that have been committed in the names of these religions, I highly recommend picking up this book. Hitchens does an amazing job covering not only the religions we are familiar with here in the United States, but the ancient Eastern religions as well. I was taken aback when he describes how the Japanese suicide bombers (Kamikaze or Divine Wind) were being trained by the Buddhist and Shinto priests. Of course nothing as crazy as flying your airplane into a battleship or building could ever be motivated by anything less than a higher power of some sort. In the case of the Kamikaze, it was enough to be assured that their emperor was a “Golden Wheel-Turning Sacred King,” one of the four manifestations of the ideal Buddhist Monarch and a fully enlightened being of the material world. Of course, being westerners and seeing how history played out, it’s easy for us to just shrug it off as lunacy. Look, those crazy delusional Japanese are at it again, with their weird mysterious Tathagata filling their minds with bullshit lies. But we can easily draw a lot of parallels between them and any modern day western religious fanaticism. I love the term Hitchens uses to describe this brainwashing. He calls them Zen-obedient zombies. I couldn’t think of a better phrase to describe them. In this, we can clearly see why blind faith can be a huge threat to our lives in a free and rational thinking world. I would like to end with a quote from the end of chapter fourteen. Hitchens says, “A faith that despises the mind and the free individual, that preaches submission and resignation, and that regards life as a poor and transient thing, is ill-equipped for self-criticism.” Think about it… The following chapter covers religion as original sin. He starts out with a few bullet points regarding how religion is not just amoral, but completely immoral. Granted, some of these things have been removed from religious doctrine, but in order to understand why religion is the way it is now, we must examine where it came from and how it used to be. They are:

• Presenting a false picture of the world to the innocent and the credulous
• The doctrine of blood sacrifice
• The doctrine of atonement
• The doctrine of eternal reward and/or punishment
• The imposition of impossible tasks and rules

When you can clearly see how completely fucked up religion used to be, and what it has turned into, you can hardly blame the people who are fooled into following it. I mean, you have to admit, 72 virgins, eternal life in paradise, nirvana, or any of the other promised gifts of the faithful seem like pretty awesome things. But when you look at the reality of the situation, and break it down to it’s core parts, you are basically being scammed by the worst kind of con artist. But again, people are weak, and when they reach a low part in their lives when everything seems to be going horribly wrong, it’s very easy to take the blame and responsibility of “why” your life is all fucked up, and project that onto some higher power. Please absolve me of making stupid decisions and fucking my life up even more. If you do that, I’ll believe in you. Sounds like a fair trade right? Wrong… Dead wrong.

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 Ep 326: Lucky Lemmings [103:51m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Can you stop hacking wep keys for just 5 minutes please.”

So I saw a sign the other day that read “Church Divorce Care” on it. I just wanted to let you know, that I am saddened by the fact that one of the few groups still alive today that still honestly give a fuck about “marriage” enough to not want the “fags” and “homos” to be allowed to participate, they have realized that, it is in fact “retarded” to think that two people should be insane enough to last more than a couple of decades (if that), and that eventually when the love story comes to an end, like all of your friends have already figured out it has, they will need a “holy” shoulder to cry on. So now the church stance is marriage is sacred and holy and all that bullshit, but you know, if you can’t “tough” it out, then we’re ok with that too. It must have been “the devil” who tricked you into getting her knocked up right? Of course it was. Sign on the dotted line, I’ll collect my $500 “blind eye of god” fee, along with my $350 “keep my mouth quiet to the congregation” fee, and we’ll all be on our ways. We’ll be seeing you Sunday right? Of course we will. Going through a divorce can be tough, I firmly believe “god” of all things knows that. So when all else fails, like is usually the case, you can trust your local church to give you the divine guidance you seek. But just one thing, you can’t be cheating on your wife with someone else in the church, then act all surprised when you come home to find your wife sucking off the preacher with a finger in his ass. In other thoughts, have you ever referred to your wife or girlfriend’s vagina as “that fucker?”  Next time she’s naked, turn the light on and yell, “Holy shit, look at that fucker!” “Bring that fucker over here.” What can I say, I’m a romantic. Some say one of the few left roaming this cursed planet of ours.

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 Ep 325: The Cold Knob [107:53m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I like looking at disfigured people.”

So it has come out recently that long time homeopathic whoo whoo debunker, beloved skeptic and phenominal magician James  Randi has come out of the closet at the ripe old age of 81. Now this is how you do it. There was no hypocrisy  involved whatsoever, no back peddling, no making excuses for his actions or self rationalizations like some of the other people we have read and talked about on the show, most of them holding positions of power within our government. Most of these people I speak of were being  controlled by those who padded their pocketbooks. Pretty soon, after so much of this back and forth shady pocket padding, we might as well have the people who did the padding in the first place do the voting, because obviously the people we elected don’t listen to we the people, they listen and vote the way those who padded their pockets most would like. So what’s the difference? It’s all a numbers game in the end. I am such a good liar that I fooled you all into voting for me because I made promises of all the great things I would do, but now that I’m actually in office, I’m going to do whatever the people who pay me the most want me to do. So if you want something voted on a certain way, just give me more money than the people who want it the other way. This is a classic example of the break down in our system that causes it to completely not work. So sure, why not vote no on some bill here and there that will end up setting the gay rights movement back years and years. Why not take money from people who would just as soon see you hanging dead from a tree than give you a helping hand. Why not join a church and give money to it, when in reality they would rather see you crucified than the lord they supposedly worship, just because you were born with an aversion to sucking cock instead of eating pussy. Honestly, it makes no difference to me, in my eyes, the world is just as fucked up for me as it is for you. Unless of course you were born into a shitload of money, or won the lottery or something, or you work in porn. Then you probably have it just a little better than I do. But that’s besides the point. I basically just wanted to say right the fuck on James Randi, that’s how you come out of the closet. That right there is how you fucking do it. We can only hope the rest of the closeted gays in congress will take a hint, and watch and learn how the master works it.

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 Ep 324: Jerk-Off Mountain [101:09m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“This conversation is over.”

So I’m searching around bing for the phrase “kalispell podcast” or “montana podcast” just to see who else is podcasting up in these parts. Plus I’ve never used bing before, so I wanted to see what Microsoft’s great answer to Google was. I don’t care for it, and I probably won’t ever use it again, but that’s besides the point. In the results it returned, was a video podcast made by the old Christian school I went to. Apparently the new cool thing to do for churches to be hip is recording their sermons and posting them as audio or video for people to subscribe to. You know, in case you want to be bored to tears and lied to the other six days left in your week. So of course I have to hear it so I can see what they are preaching now a days and how the quality is, and let me tell you something… God fucking awful. There was a horrendous feedback loop buzz in the background that was making my cat try to kill herself, and whoever was operating the camera had a little trouble following the pastor as he moved about the stage. The pastor should probably learn how to read a little better before he tries to read out of the bible in front of a sell out crowd of upper middle class god snobs. You would think god could step in once a week and help this poor guy out, maybe hook it up with the Rosetta Stone or something. I was embarrassed for this guy, and I’ve never met him or heard of him in my life. So he’s preaching the same old tired shit about how we’re all full of sin and god sent Jesus to die on the cross for that sin, so that we can live forever with god and jesus, and probably the holy ghost and a bunch of fucking angels and shit, in this perfect fairytale kingdom somewhere up in the sky.

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 Ep 323: Reset [80:06m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“This was more interesting than any interview we did that day.”

I think we need to all take a minute, step back and look at what’s going on. We have, for far too long, let the people in power take control and run this world we all live on, into the ground. Of course it all has to do with that age old quote, “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” I don’t know what it is about being a human that makes us so power hungry, but when we get it, we get it bad. Perhaps it’s the whole thing about how we like controlling other people, but at the same time, the more we control others, the less we are able to control ourselves. Words to live by right? I think the government has split the people up too much, which  creates a society where, instead of working together to solve a problem, we work against each other, which in turn, creates even more problems. Of course, this is exactly what the government wants. If we the people are busy fighting with each other, we don’t notice the bigger picture. It never even crosses our mind that maybe we’re being completely distracted for a reason. We’re staring at the left hand, making sure it’s not doing anything evil, meanwhile the right hand is sharpening a knife, about to plunge it into our collective backs. So what do we do to fix this? My guess is to just reset and start over, keeping in mind the knowledge we have accumulated during the last go around. You know, we don’t want to make the same mistakes over and over and over again like we seem to be currently doing. Because guess what, if we don’t start making some serious changes, real quick like, we aren’t going to have a planet to live on, or a chance to start over. Nature always has a way of righting itself, and if we don’t do something about it soon, our efforts will be too little, too late.

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 Ep 322: Monster Head [85:52m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I was playing the numbers game because you were being a cunt.”

It’s that time of year again, where the clocks change an hour, fucking up my sleep cycle. Thanks guys, just as I was starting to get somewhat used to waking up at the time I need to wake up in order to get to work on time, you go and switch the clocks on us. According to the wiki entry, daylight savings was first proposed in 1895 by George Vernon Hudson, so that afternoons have more daylight and mornings have less. Once again, this is a testament to the human race trying to play god. I bet you think you’re really clever, switching the clocks to squeeze out that extra hour of daylight after you get off work, meanwhile wreaking such havoc on our internal biological clocks. I would be really careful if you have a girlfriend or wife that is approaching menopause. If you fuck with the biological clock too much, you run the possibility of breaking the whole damn thing… If you know what I mean. The next thing you know, she’s on your back crying while at the same time explaining to you how she needs to have babies like there’s no tomorrow. Tick tock, tick tock. I bet back in 1895 when good ol George thought of this idea, he never thought of the negative repercussions it could have on countless generations to come. Thanks again George! Why don’t we just put the clocks back two hours, or three or four even, I mean fuck, why stop there? We’re the ones that invented the idea of monitoring time passing, we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. Like in my house for instance, the clocks always say 4:20.

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 Ep 321: Live and Learn [85:34m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Yep, we saw that one coming.”

Just when I thought the city I lived in was starting to get educated on the whole medical marijuana thing, and starting to make good choices that will move the community forward, they come out and pull this kind of crap. Basically to sum up the story and to save you from having to read the whole thing, it states that the city ordinance will be amended to prohibit any new medical marijuana dispensaries from operating within city limits. You know, the same city limits that allows bars, casinos, and payday loan places to operate on every fucking block, and near the very same parks where your children go to play. This is our great city leaders making it loud and clear that they consider medical marijuana a greater threat to the community than everything I have just listed. You know, even though people have been smoking pot for all sorts of reasons since the plant was first discovered to be so fucking awesome, it still has not been directly responsible for one single death. Amazing right? So it seems Kalispell’s planning director, Tom Jentz, is more worried about Kalispell’s image with tourists than he is with helping sick dying people get the proper medicine they need. So let me get this straight Tom, you are taking the side of people who come visit and help our economy ONLY during tourist season, instead of something that could help the cities dying economy all year around? I think someone needs to sit down with Tom and go over the numbers, because that is completely ridiculous and counter productive. He also seems to be worried about state and federal law, but I highly suspect that is just an excuse, especially considering the fact that the state law allows medical marijuana, and the Obama Administration announced they will not prosecute medical marijuana cases at the federal level. It seems the leaders of our city are worried what will happen if a different administration steps in and once again tightens the federal laws. I firmly believe that by worrying about those things, you are once again holding up forward progress. The people have spoken, numerous times, but it seems the city is refusing to listen. Which is silly, especially in a city that seems to be as broke as it’s inhabitants are, maybe you would want to evolve and embrace these new ways to make money. Especially since there are more pot smoking voters than non, and we WILL remember this come time for re election. If you won’t do the job, we’ll elect officials that will. You should also feel lucky that we are even offering you the chance to tax the weed we smoke. I have never had a problem finding weed in this valley allegedly, and that was back when the laws were strict. Sure it’s nice now, not having to worry about it, and the quality of the weed is the best I’ve ever seen, but like I said, I’m allegedly smoking either way. Basically it comes down to this. No matter what you do, the people that want to smoke weed, are going to smoke weed. That’s all there is to it. If you want to waste a shitload of tax payer money to prosecute these people who have for the most part, always been productive members of society, then that’s your problem. All you are doing is instilling a distrust and distaste for the officials that are making these ridiculous city ordinances. Remember back in the day when the city made an ordinance outlawing skateboarding within the city limits? Remember how well that worked out? You are making the exact same mistake all over again. It seems that for people who think themselves quite educated, you are all making very poor decisions on how to handle this. Maybe it’s time for a changing of the guard, to more modernized people who know how to run a city properly.

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