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“I do enjoy my cheese, even though sometimes I should not.”
Welcome back to The Jamhole, where I’ve officially survived 46 trips around the sun, and somehow the biggest accomplishment is that I’m still here talking into a microphone about how thoroughly humanity has fucked itself.
BJ and I are back for episode 937, bringing you another exciting installment of our ongoing documentary about the decline of civilization. It’s got drugs, fruit costumes, climate catastrophe, biblical aliens, infectious minks, and affordable underground housing. Honestly, it’s a pretty good episode.
First things first, I had a birthday. Forty-six of them now, apparently. That’s four more years until fifty, which is a real number people used to reach when I was younger and think, damn, that dude’s old. Now I’m the old dude.
We kick off the news with cychlorphine, a potent synthetic opioid making headlines over its appearance in the illicit drug supply and reported overdose deaths. Some reports describe it as significantly more dangerous than fentanyl, so that’s pretty exciting!
From powerful opioids to potassium-powered heroism. In Orlando, a woman wearing a banana costume stopped to report a vehicle that had crashed through the outdoor dining area of a bar.
Next we visit Queen Creek, Arizona, where homeowners are discovering that maintaining enormous suburban houses and swimming pools in the desert might eventually become expensive.
Have you encountered the Gen Z stare? It’s that blank, expressionless look some younger people supposedly give when a verbal response would normally be expected. Ask someone a question. Nothing. Just two eyes looking back at you while you try to determine whether they’re processing the request, rejecting human interaction, or waiting for a software update.
After that we meet Canadian cliff diver Molly Carlson, who became the first woman to dive from a freestanding iceberg near Twillingate, Newfoundland. She climbed roughly 50 feet above freezing water and jumped backward off a floating chunk of ice.
Speaking of giant chunks of ice, it turns out we’re running out of those too. New research found that nearly 300 glaciers across the western United States have functionally disappeared since the 1960s, with the remaining ice continuing to shrink as temperatures rise.
Our next stop is Lemont, Illinois, where police executing a firearms-related warrant reportedly discovered 76 dogs living in a man’s home and garage. Seventy-six. That’s not a pet collection anymore. That’s a canine municipality.
Former Apollo 16 astronaut Charles Duke, now in his nineties, has apparently suggested that UFOs aren’t alien spacecraft at all. They’re demons. Biblical demons. Sent by the devil to deceive humanity and undermine religious faith. Which is certainly one explanation for unidentified objects in the sky.
Utah showing up this week with an outbreak of avian influenza at a mink farm. This has raised concerns among infectious disease experts about the possibility of the virus adapting to mammals.
As e-bikes and e-scooters become faster and more powerful, some models are starting to blur the line between bicycles and motorcycles.
We end the episode in Baltimore County, Maryland where a man allegedly living in a sewer was arrested after a mother complained that he’d been approaching and harassing her children.
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