Ep 314: Tardy

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“Here’s a good bathroom that’s private, I’m gonna go jerk it.”

I am sick of seeing all these chiropractor offices open up in the valley here. It’s getting seriously out of control, and I feel like I need to address it. So I present to you, my thoughts on chiropractic and the scam that is subluxations. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? If not, I’m almost positive you at least know someone who has been to, or is seeing a chiropractor on a regular basis. Being a delivery guy, I go into quite a few of these offices, and the one thing I noticed that’s odd to me, is that they all have posters, or videos playing about subluxations. My spell check doesn’t even know what the fuck a subluxation is, which leads me to believe there might be some bullshit involved. It’s always a bad sign when I know I’ve spelled something right, yet my spell check insists that it has no idea what the fuck I just typed. Ok, so the quick run down from quackwatch on subluxations is as follows:

“Chiropractic theory is rooted in the notions of Daniel David Palmer, a grocer and “magnetic healer” who postulated that the basic cause of disease was interference with the body’s nerve supply. Approximately a hundred years ago, he concluded that “A subluxated vertebrae… is the cause of 95 percent of all diseases… The other five percent is caused by displaced joints other than those of the vertebral column.” He proclaimed that subluxations interfered with the body’s expression of “Innate Intelligence”—the “Soul, Spirit, or Spark of Life” that controlled the healing process. He proposed to remedy the gamut of disease by manipulating or “adjusting” the problem areas.”

I like to think we have come a long way since Daniel Palmer’s days, but then I go outside. Never underestimate the ridiculousness of things you can trick people into believing. Hell, if you’re really good at it, you can even trick people into paying you money for bullshit diagnosis and treatment. Of course, some chiropractors say you can actually see the subluxation on x-ray, others say you cannot. It’s never good to have such differing views on something in the same field. Keystone Light can’t say that Pabst causes liver damage, yet Keystone is just fine for you. It’s kind of like how different versions of the same basic religion will contradict themselves within the same sect. Don’t they know how counterproductive that is? So we basically have this thing that makes you really sick, but it’s not a germ of any kind, and you can, and you cannot see it on x-rays, depending on how delusional you are. Chiropractors also argue over how to find the subluxations, and where the subluxations are located.

“In addition to seeing them on x-ray films, chiropractors say they can find them by: (a) feeling the spine with their hand, (b) measuring skin temperature near the spine with an instrument, (c) concluding that one of the patient’s legs is “functionally” longer than the other, (d) studying the shadows produced by a device that projects a beam of light onto the patient’s back, (e) weighing the patient on special scales, and/or (f) detecting “nerve irritation” with a device. Undercover investigations in which many chiropractors have examined the same patient have found that the diagnoses and proposed treatments differed greatly from one practitioner to another.”

So now the subluxations are on the move right? Up in my brain causing aneurysms, down to my lungs for some emphysema, into the pancreas for a little cancer, then back down to my dick to give me a good solid case of erectile dysfunction. Maybe the next time chiropractors think they are getting setup, use a permanent marker and put a small dot where you say the subluxation is, that way the next chiropractor can find it. With everyone slowly attempting to give a fuck about their health, it’s very easy to be suckered into these scams. Especially when they release pamphlets that say, “A chiropractic adjustment can make the differnce between life and death,” and “When your body is free from subluxations, your self-healing ability, your “inner healer,” is better able to deal with all of your health problems.” My inner healer huh? You mean my immune system? Doesn’t anyone read anymore? Or do you not give a shit that you waste a crap load of money on something that is basically a theatrical placebo effect. It’s almost like it’s cool in these modern times, to say things like “Oh yea, I just got back from my chiropractor, no big deal.” Or, “I’m coming in late, because I have a chiropractor appointment first thing in the morning.” The next person that says the C word in my presence is getting bitch slapped.

Of course there have been the same lawsuits in the same court sytems about how you can’t make false claims and say your shit does something that it does not. It’s like if I advertised that my water will make your girlfriend want to suck your dick. My water will make your dick bigger, stomach flatter, and hair grow back in on that bald spot. It’s called LYING. Just stop lying, tell us your charging way to much to pop our backs, and let’s move on. I know man, medical school is hard. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Taking the easy quick way out rather than try to be a real doctor. It’s a lot of school. I understand, just try to be more honest with us next time. So let’s make a deal. If you currently have a budget setup for your chiropractor, do a little research, google around for subluxation scams, make sure to read the quackcast article about it, and when you realize that you have been getting scammed, I want you to send me your chiropractor budget for the next year. I mean fuck, you would have wasted it anyways, you might as well repent and put it to good use… And now, the show notes.

  • Danni was in a shitty mood. I fail at cheering her up. I’m easy to cheer up, just lick my penis. But she needs to sleep her shit off. Please stop pissing her off at work, because it is starting to effect my life. I don’t appreciate it.
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  • If you have someone deliver salt for your water softener, do them a favor and don’t have your whole life’s worth of shit in the way. Common fucking sense right? Travis, tell your grandmother to clean up her basement… And I want my katg ipod nano back you son of a bitch.
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  • Have you felt what sex feels like? I have a sex addiction, and Danni says I’m getting old and boring. I just need to fuck! If you aren’t having sex, then I recommend mobile red tube.
  • This is the part of the show where Danni tells me I can cheat on her, as long as I don’t tell her. What a troubled web we weave…
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  • WWJD?!?!!?! Number 21. Reincarnation? 10 years earlier or 35 years later? Make sure to discuss on the forums.
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  • How are we all surviving, making these shit wages? How do we have internet right now? We are some broke ass niggas… You can hear it in Danni’s voice. Please donate so I can have sex.
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  • I tried to cheer her up with a good frozen dead baby story. I don’t think it worked though. Why are you freezing babies?
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  • pariah

    What a great article. I would have never guessed that you were just a delivery boy. You’re so erudite and informed. Keep reading those office pamphlets and using your spell checker. It shows.

  • mat

    Sarcasm? Do you have any kind of evidence that chiropractic subluxation actually does anything more than simply popping your back? Is it more than just a scam to keep you coming back to their offices, even though nothing is really getting fixed? Perhaps you are mad that you’ve wasted money on this crap. Or perhaps you were sincere. Thanks for the comment either way.

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  • Your post is quite a blast for something based on a complete lack of information. It appears that much of your information came from Quackwatch. It might interest you to know that “DR” Barrett has not been a licensed medical doctor for many years and that he has lost several defamation lawsuits in connection with his dislike of the Chiropractic profession. While there are bad apples in every profession, including salt delivery boys apparently, They do not speak for the whole profession. Diagnostics in my office include Thermography, Surface EMG, xray and a focused spinal examination. All of these are well established medical devices and techniques as well as being used by Chiropractors.
    I went to 10 years of college to get my doctorate degree. Chiropractors in MT are licensed by the state and have a minimum of a Bachelors degree in Premed in addition to their 4-5 yrs of doctoral work at a Chiropractic college. They have more hours than a general practitioner MD and many more hours in the areas of nutrition, neurology, physiology and musculo-skeletal than your average GP MD. We are on staff at many medical facilities in the state. The VA Hospital in Helena has its own staff Chiropractor as well. Your rant while clearly heartfelt shows a level of ignorance on the subject that hasn’t been seen in years. The reason there are so many Chiropractors here in the valley is that there are a huge number of well educated and happy Chiropractic patients here. Its a good thing you don’t own the business you work for since I can name several Chiropractors that canceled your services after reading this rant. IF I was your boss I would be concerned about having you as an employee simply due to the foul language and imagery found in your posts. Clearly its a free country and free speach is paramount but employment isn’t. If you worked for me and cost me accounts I would let you go plain and simple. Be assured that this has been shared with every chiropractic office in the valley and many will encourage there patients and staff to consider changing water services to another provider that doesn’t bash Chiropractic. Feel free to stop by my office anytime for an education on Chiropractic you clearly need one.

  • mat

    Maybe instead of spending so much time trying to get me fired, you should spend some time finding evidence for this “chiropractic subluxation” you are so passionate about. Maybe I’ll come in and interview you for my show. By the way, did the college you went to ever get their accreditation back? I read they had a little trouble with it a few years back. Why do you attack Dr. Barrett? Maybe because you have no legitimate answers to the anti chiropractic points I made? I never attacked specific chiropractors in Kalispell, simply the whole subluxation idea. You are attacking me personally and trying to get me fired. Not nice. Also, licensure has nothing to do with efficacy. It’s a way for states to collect revenue. Plus, you could have all the hours in the world under your belt, but if all that time was spent searching for those pesky subluxations, you have learned nothing.

  • As long as you don’t pick and choose what you publish from the interview I would be happy to be interviewed. An attack on Chiropractic is an attack on all of the local Chiropractors. A response in kind is warranted and should have been expected.

    Chiropractic is based on the well established idea that the brain controls the entire body via the nervous system. The brain talks to the body and the body talks back. These communication channels travel over the nerves. Subluxation is very simply interference to the message traffic from brain to body or from body to brain. This interference is caused by pressure on the nerve at one extreme and minor irritation of the nerve on the other. beyond subluxation you have paralysis Christopher Reeves style. The pressure or irritation of the nerve is caused by inflamation usually. The inflamation and swelling in the small channels through spinal bones cannot expand outward so it expands inward compressing the nerve. The inflammation and swelling itself is caused by a spinal joint not functioning normally, very much like a sprained ankle for instance. Chiropractors look for nerve interference and then remove it by correcting the joint disfunction that is causing it. As far as a subluxation moving around that’s bunk. It is in the spine at one or two mybe three joints in an extreme case. The nerve or nerves effected go to various parts of the body. 45% of a nerve is motor fibers that control muscle. 45% are autonomic and control organs and glands. The remaining 10% are sensory fibers that are pain and sense of touch. Depending on which fibers are effected various symptoms or Dis-eases are possible. Motor nerve fibers can cause cramping twitching and weakness in the muscle controled by that nerve. The autonomic can cause organ disfunction in the organ served by that nerve. You can of course have pain in the areas associated with the nerve in question. All of this is Basic Neurology. The concept is well accepted in most medical specialties. There are specific billing codes for this with all insurance companies. There is massive amounts of research proving each and every part of it. Most of the research is actually from medical research projects in fact. Far to much to mention here. pose me a few specific questions and I will be happy to provide you with research articles.

  • mat

    First of all we need to get one thing straight that you and your friend have gotten completely wrong. I was not attacking any particular or specific office anywhere. I was simply stating what I had found in regards to the chiropractic subluxation. That is all. It almost feels like you guys have a guilty conscious or something, and that’s why you’re so angry. Also we need to establish the difference between an online character persona, and a real life character persona. You don’t have the slightest clue who I really am in real life, you are making assumptions based on a blog / podcast you somehow stumbled onto. So please stop taking comedic satire so literal and serious. It makes all of us uncomfortable.

    Also, you have misunderstood that I am not focusing on chiropractic in general, some chiropractors do great things, it’s the ones that are making false claims that they can cure ailments they really can’t that this whole post was focused on. And honestly, i think these claims had to be created, otherwise all that is being done is what a physical therapist does. So create a meme or niche in order to keep the idea going, and the business coming in. You have to admit that from all of the things I’ve found and quoted, it’s a pretty convincing argument, especially when these investigations are going on in britain, and groups are being shut down and whatnot. But really, in reality, I couldn’t care less. It was a blog post created to serve a purpose, and that’s to give a little intro to the show notes. It’s annoying trying to think of something to write three days a week. Take for instance the Monday show notes. I wrote about unicorns. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

    One last thing, Doctor Barrett says his license status can be seen here, and your sentence about the libel suits is also inaccurate. Just thought I’d point that out.

    http://www.licensepa.state.pa.us/