Ep 314: Tardy

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“Here’s a good bathroom that’s private, I’m gonna go jerk it.”

I am sick of seeing all these chiropractor offices open up in the valley here. It’s getting seriously out of control, and I feel like I need to address it. So I present to you, my thoughts on chiropractic and the scam that is subluxations. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? If not, I’m almost positive you at least know someone who has been to, or is seeing a chiropractor on a regular basis. Being a delivery guy, I go into quite a few of these offices, and the one thing I noticed that’s odd to me, is that they all have posters, or videos playing about subluxations. My spell check doesn’t even know what the fuck a subluxation is, which leads me to believe there might be some bullshit involved. It’s always a bad sign when I know I’ve spelled something right, yet my spell check insists that it has no idea what the fuck I just typed. Ok, so the quick run down from quackwatch on subluxations is as follows:

“Chiropractic theory is rooted in the notions of Daniel David Palmer, a grocer and “magnetic healer” who postulated that the basic cause of disease was interference with the body’s nerve supply. Approximately a hundred years ago, he concluded that “A subluxated vertebrae… is the cause of 95 percent of all diseases… The other five percent is caused by displaced joints other than those of the vertebral column.” He proclaimed that subluxations interfered with the body’s expression of “Innate Intelligence”—the “Soul, Spirit, or Spark of Life” that controlled the healing process. He proposed to remedy the gamut of disease by manipulating or “adjusting” the problem areas.”

I like to think we have come a long way since Daniel Palmer’s days, but then I go outside. Never underestimate the ridiculousness of things you can trick people into believing. Hell, if you’re really good at it, you can even trick people into paying you money for bullshit diagnosis and treatment. Of course, some chiropractors say you can actually see the subluxation on x-ray, others say you cannot. It’s never good to have such differing views on something in the same field. Keystone Light can’t say that Pabst causes liver damage, yet Keystone is just fine for you. It’s kind of like how different versions of the same basic religion will contradict themselves within the same sect. Don’t they know how counterproductive that is? So we basically have this thing that makes you really sick, but it’s not a germ of any kind, and you can, and you cannot see it on x-rays, depending on how delusional you are. Chiropractors also argue over how to find the subluxations, and where the subluxations are located.

“In addition to seeing them on x-ray films, chiropractors say they can find them by: (a) feeling the spine with their hand, (b) measuring skin temperature near the spine with an instrument, (c) concluding that one of the patient’s legs is “functionally” longer than the other, (d) studying the shadows produced by a device that projects a beam of light onto the patient’s back, (e) weighing the patient on special scales, and/or (f) detecting “nerve irritation” with a device. Undercover investigations in which many chiropractors have examined the same patient have found that the diagnoses and proposed treatments differed greatly from one practitioner to another.”

So now the subluxations are on the move right? Up in my brain causing aneurysms, down to my lungs for some emphysema, into the pancreas for a little cancer, then back down to my dick to give me a good solid case of erectile dysfunction. Maybe the next time chiropractors think they are getting setup, use a permanent marker and put a small dot where you say the subluxation is, that way the next chiropractor can find it. With everyone slowly attempting to give a fuck about their health, it’s very easy to be suckered into these scams. Especially when they release pamphlets that say, “A chiropractic adjustment can make the differnce between life and death,” and “When your body is free from subluxations, your self-healing ability, your “inner healer,” is better able to deal with all of your health problems.” My inner healer huh? You mean my immune system? Doesn’t anyone read anymore? Or do you not give a shit that you waste a crap load of money on something that is basically a theatrical placebo effect. It’s almost like it’s cool in these modern times, to say things like “Oh yea, I just got back from my chiropractor, no big deal.” Or, “I’m coming in late, because I have a chiropractor appointment first thing in the morning.” The next person that says the C word in my presence is getting bitch slapped.

Of course there have been the same lawsuits in the same court sytems about how you can’t make false claims and say your shit does something that it does not. It’s like if I advertised that my water will make your girlfriend want to suck your dick. My water will make your dick bigger, stomach flatter, and hair grow back in on that bald spot. It’s called LYING. Just stop lying, tell us your charging way to much to pop our backs, and let’s move on. I know man, medical school is hard. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Taking the easy quick way out rather than try to be a real doctor. It’s a lot of school. I understand, just try to be more honest with us next time. So let’s make a deal. If you currently have a budget setup for your chiropractor, do a little research, google around for subluxation scams, make sure to read the quackcast article about it, and when you realize that you have been getting scammed, I want you to send me your chiropractor budget for the next year. I mean fuck, you would have wasted it anyways, you might as well repent and put it to good use… And now, the show notes.

  • Danni was in a shitty mood. I fail at cheering her up. I’m easy to cheer up, just lick my penis. But she needs to sleep her shit off. Please stop pissing her off at work, because it is starting to effect my life. I don’t appreciate it.
  • If you know of a better place to stream the live show from, hook it up. Also, enjoy the new colors. I code trial and error. I should know better than to start something like that at 10pm. It never just takes an hour does it?
  • If your town has the ten commandments posted as you enter the town… LEAVE ASAP!
  • If you listen to the Jamhole, I want you to send a post card from your town or state to the po box. Do this one for me ok?
  • I would never let a child watch Where the Wild Things Are. It will make your child retarded.
  • If you have someone deliver salt for your water softener, do them a favor and don’t have your whole life’s worth of shit in the way. Common fucking sense right? Travis, tell your grandmother to clean up her basement… And I want my katg ipod nano back you son of a bitch.
  • If you enjoy the show, help support us. Donate, buy a shirt, jamhole church stickers, the Book of Matthew, and the 250 live show. If you can’t do that because you’re broke like us, then once a week, tell 2 people about the show. Put it on their Ipods, subscribe to it on their Itunes, etc…
  • Have you felt what sex feels like? I have a sex addiction, and Danni says I’m getting old and boring. I just need to fuck! If you aren’t having sex, then I recommend mobile red tube.
  • This is the part of the show where Danni tells me I can cheat on her, as long as I don’t tell her. What a troubled web we weave…
  • Email leo@leoville.com and tell him to let us host his new morning show. If the price is right of course. New York is a huge shithole.
  • WWJD?!?!!?! Number 21. Reincarnation? 10 years earlier or 35 years later? Make sure to discuss on the forums.
  • A Jamhole update about the creepy school that was spying on kids with the laptops they issued. Tsk Tsk… He was eating fucking Mike and Ikes you creepy fuck. Stop it.
  • Sodomized by NYPD blue for smoking some weed? I would have ran away too! The cops got off… Pun intended. Fuck the police.
  • How are we all surviving, making these shit wages? How do we have internet right now? We are some broke ass niggas… You can hear it in Danni’s voice. Please donate so I can have sex.
  • Don’t give Danni a job in Bozeman. I don’t ever want to fill out another job application as long as I live. Either pay me to podcast, or I’ll keep delivering water. I really don’t want to move to Bozeman.
  • Douche bags make the best restaurant managers. Not always, but for the most part.
  • Again, PLEASE STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY GIRLFRIEND. I know she bitches a lot, but she’s worth a bit more than $8.50 an hour. We both know that.
  • Slowly poisoning people for Xmas back in 1926. I bet that’s why people are so stupid. Alcohol is making you all retards. It’s your fault we have autism.
  • The key to getting twitter followers. Thanks Redfox. Also, shout out to KyleinNyc.
  • I tried to cheer her up with a good frozen dead baby story. I don’t think it worked though. Why are you freezing babies?
  • How the fuck do you get hit by a train? I will never understand that. I blame the alcohol. Your a death poser. You didn’t really know them.
  • The longest voicemail ever. If you wanna hear the other two, they are on the archived footage of the live video footage. Don’t leave voicemails when your high on meth please. Thank you. You hang up first. No you. No you. BYE!
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