Ep 447: How to Fuck a Cow


“The Jamhole, it’s like watching a baby die.”

For all of you lonely citizens of the internet, the Jamhole proudly presents, How to Fuck a Cow. First of all, when fucking a cow, you need to ask yourself, is this really what I want to put my dick in? If you answered yes, then please, by all means, continue reading. If not, I suggest you just listen to the episode, leave a comment of thanks, and move on. So, first things first, you are going to want to wear some protection. I know this might sound a little weird coming from me, because I fucking hate fucking with condoms on, but seriously, you could get some kind of weird cow aids, and that risk right there is worth putting a little latex in between you and the beef. Next, you are going to want to find a cow that is somewhere easily accessible. This is probably also the part where I should tell you this is for entertainment purposes only, and if you actually use these directions and fuck a cow, and get cow aids because you didn’t wear a couple of condoms, you can’t sue me.

So then, like I was saying, you want to find a cow that is easy to get to. Trust, you don’t want to have to run the green fucking mile to get back to where you parked because the farmer woke up and decided to go outside and have a smoke, now your running naked through the field with a pissed off farmer chasing you. No good. No good at all. Like everyone working at Google on the latitude team says, location location location. Also, if you get stage fright easily, you might want to choose a place that offers a little privacy, that way you aren’t fucking this cow all willy nilly out in the middle of some field where anyone could see you. I know privacy is dead, but when you are fucking a cow, you want to make the effort. A lot of pre-planning can go a long way out in the field. Heh, anyways once you’ve got your condoms and a location picked out, it’s time to pick the cow. This will be way easier than going to a bar and wasting a money trying to get a girl drunk enough to fuck you. I’m sure if you are still reading this, your the kind of person who would need a dimly lit room and more than a few drinks to get the night going. You don’t want to waste too much time looking at personality or demeanor or anything, but you probably want to stay away from any cows that have that slightly off look in their eyes. Those are the ones with cow aids. You also want to stay away from any cows that have horns on them, as that could get really bloody, really quick during foreplay. You can choose depending on what your preference is. There are black cows with white spots and white cows with black spots. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Once you’ve carefully chosen your “mate” it’s best to give it a couple of days. Not only to think over the fact that you are about to fuck a cow, but more importantly to make sure anyone that might have seen you scoping out their cattle will have well forgotten about you. The last thing you want is the Jamhole to read a news story about how you got caught with your pants down fucking some dudes black cow. That is no good. So good luck to you in your journey of sexual ridiculousness and self rediscovery. I’m just going to throw this out there, but if you’ve actually ever fucked a cow, email info@thejamhole.com with your story. I’ll keep it anonymous, I promise.

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  • I got caught by the farmer

  • Rastus

    I fuck cows ( female calves) all the time.
    there is no cow aids
    Diseases are species specific, You cannot catch anything from a cow (unless a diseased person has fucked her a short time ago) ans she cannot catch anything from you.

  • Good to know lol. You should write your own step by step.

  • VetBedre

    You might want to wear condoms after reading this, buddy.

    Or if you’re too lazy to read it, here are a couple of keywords:
    Bovine(!) tuberculosis
    Bubonic plague
    Avian flu
    E. coli

  • LOL

  • Jason L

    Cows? No thank you. I fuck mares.

  • sure, makes sense…

  • saman

    you fucked a cow? if you did that was fun more than a girl or not

  • danny

    no there is once i try to fuck a cow i didn’t put my penis in cows pussy i just rub there and i got sick soo much for 5 days ):

  • saman

    mares is better than cow

  • love master

    my girlfriend enjoys watching me fuck a large sow while she masturbates

  • cowboy

    You do not know what fucking is until you fuck a cow!

  • Randy

    Actually I’ve fucked heifer calves, cows are too big
    They are better than girls

  • Jorma Kovanen

    Dogs are far better fuck.

  • Randy

    I’ve fucked calves, young heifers and full grown cows all of my life
    I have also eat out many of them, I especially like that when they are in heat . I never used a condom or any other protection , bovine cunts are self cleansing and more safe that a lot of women. They are also more enjoyable.

  • well that certainly is interesting.

  • Skip Rickey

    Some of the best sex i ever had was wiih a sow on Dad’s farm. I fucked her for a few weeks and she finally came in heat. I got to her before the boar hog did. I will say that is some of the best and hottest sex I ever had. She would squeeze my cock she seemed to like it also. I got to fuck her four times before the boar hog got to her. About two hours after he fucked her I got to her another two times for a total of four times that day. The next day I was only able to get to her 3 times. I have been with a lot of women and i will say this, that I never had any that I enjoyed more than that sow when she was in heat. Oh! She was good fucking. i would advise any farm boy to find him a hot sow to fuck and to enjoy her. If you want you can email me and i’ll tell you mo0re about other farm animals I fucked. My email is: ptskip@aol.com. please do. Thank you, SKIP

  • Anonymous

    Me too, but I think I might try a cow.

  • Randy

    I have fucked in heat and otherwise heifer and cows for over 25 years, I have never caught any diseases or got any of them pregnant.

  • robertanthony calderon

    i also have enjoyed fucking cows large sows mares and large dogs because thy cannot talk back and can fuck a long time especially when your wife is tired. sometimes she has told me go fuck the pig. ha ha