“The Jamhole, it’s like watching a baby die.”
For all of you lonely citizens of the internet, the Jamhole proudly presents, How to Fuck a Cow. First of all, when fucking a cow, you need to ask yourself, is this really what I want to put my dick in? If you answered yes, then please, by all means, continue reading. If not, I suggest you just listen to the episode, leave a comment of thanks, and move on. So, first things first, you are going to want to wear some protection. I know this might sound a little weird coming from me, because I fucking hate fucking with condoms on, but seriously, you could get some kind of weird cow aids, and that risk right there is worth putting a little latex in between you and the beef. Next, you are going to want to find a cow that is somewhere easily accessible. This is probably also the part where I should tell you this is for entertainment purposes only, and if you actually use these directions and fuck a cow, and get cow aids because you didn’t wear a couple of condoms, you can’t sue me.
So then, like I was saying, you want to find a cow that is easy to get to. Trust, you don’t want to have to run the green fucking mile to get back to where you parked because the farmer woke up and decided to go outside and have a smoke, now your running naked through the field with a pissed off farmer chasing you. No good. No good at all. Like everyone working at Google on the latitude team says, location location location. Also, if you get stage fright easily, you might want to choose a place that offers a little privacy, that way you aren’t fucking this cow all willy nilly out in the middle of some field where anyone could see you. I know privacy is dead, but when you are fucking a cow, you want to make the effort. A lot of pre-planning can go a long way out in the field. Heh, anyways once you’ve got your condoms and a location picked out, it’s time to pick the cow. This will be way easier than going to a bar and wasting a money trying to get a girl drunk enough to fuck you. I’m sure if you are still reading this, your the kind of person who would need a dimly lit room and more than a few drinks to get the night going. You don’t want to waste too much time looking at personality or demeanor or anything, but you probably want to stay away from any cows that have that slightly off look in their eyes. Those are the ones with cow aids. You also want to stay away from any cows that have horns on them, as that could get really bloody, really quick during foreplay. You can choose depending on what your preference is. There are black cows with white spots and white cows with black spots. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Once you’ve carefully chosen your “mate” it’s best to give it a couple of days. Not only to think over the fact that you are about to fuck a cow, but more importantly to make sure anyone that might have seen you scoping out their cattle will have well forgotten about you. The last thing you want is the Jamhole to read a news story about how you got caught with your pants down fucking some dudes black cow. That is no good. So good luck to you in your journey of sexual ridiculousness and self rediscovery. I’m just going to throw this out there, but if you’ve actually ever fucked a cow, email firstname.lastname@example.org with your story. I’ll keep it anonymous, I promise.
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- Start making plans for the Jamhole party week ending in the third annual Jamhole live audience party! Stay tuned for details. We are going to change the date so you can all come to Montana and actually enjoy the outdoors without freezing. You can watch trailers for the 250 show and the 404 show then get the full copy at the Jamhole store.
- Let’s also welcome Chad back to the Jamhole. Glad to have you, though he doesn’t say much in this episode. I think he ate too many baked cookies if you know what I mean.
- We’ve just ended another year. Let’s go through some Jamhole stats. FYI our third year anniversary of doing the Jamhole is February 18th. Thank you for spreading the word and visiting this website. Keep checking it out and telling your friends. Facebook and Twitter make it very easy for you to recommend us to them.
- The most popular episode of December 2010 was episode 439. The second most was ep 432, and third was 436.
- I’d like to say a huge broken English Hello to all of our international listeners. Thank you for holding it down in your respective country. Hey Netherlands, we would love to bring the Jamhole to your front door. Help us make that happen. You find us a place to do it and help drum up some cash for plane tickets and hostel stay, we’ll do the rest. Join the Forums and let’s make this happen.
- How did you find the Jamhole? Let’s talk about search terms. You searched for 16 year old slut, and you found the Jamhole. Not exactly what you were looking for. We’re the Chris Henson of this podcast shit. How to fuck a cow? Awesome.
- I love how people drive here sometimes. Are you drunk or just bored? You scared the shit out of that guy, and that made my fucking day. Thank you.
- Did you know Seattle has a super hero? Well, he’s not very super. I guess he’s not really a hero either. Yea, your probably a little nuts. Or filming Kickass 2. Either way, please stop.
- A story from our most fucked up state. Guess what she did? I’ll give you a hint, it involved her ex boyfriend’s genitals and some fire.
- Elvira was so fucking hot. Demon Knight was the best Tales from the Crypt movie.
- I would much rather get my shot then set on fire. I mean I wouldn’t want either, but if I really had to choose… Forget it. I can’t believe you shot him in the dick!
- Thank you Berger for sending this in. You got shot in the head then sneezed out the bullet. Hit by a stray bullet on New Years, not a good way to start things off.
- Hear ye Hear ye, if you have a baby and it only lives an hour, you will pay a death tax. That’s right, death and taxes baby! You gave birth to a mermaid. Crazy. Honestly, you saved money this way. Trust.
- The Jamhole, it’s the happiest hour of your life.
- Congratulations Boston you bunch of fat fucks. You actually had to make a special ambulance to carry all your fat fucking people. No sympathy. If you can’t fit in a normal ambulance, you should probably just die. There is no excuse for that. I’m pretty sure Danni made someone cry at this point.
- Jailed for beating a child with a dog leash. I think you might have went a bit far when her eyes started bleeding. Damn. That’s pretty brutal, even for Australia.
- Thank you, spread the word, email email@example.com with any questions comments or concerns. Also take a look around the site, there’s always new things popping up at the Jamhole. Huh huhhuhuh.