“I hate to say it, but I actually identify with that guy a little bit.”
“The grim fact is that we prepare for war like precocious giants, and for peace like retarded pygmies.”
-Lester Bowles Pearson
Sheer fucking brilliance.
“I basically had to force a blow job on him.”
I found a headline today that made me kind of laugh to myself. This article says, “OxyContin: It’s time to raise the alarm.” I was like duh? Hasn’t this been a problem for a while now? I mean fuck, when was Rush Limbaugh hooked on this shit? That had to have been quite some time ago. Of course, anything as mentally and physically addictive as oxycontin is going to cause problems once the shit hits the street. I’ve written about how street thugs new drug of choice is oxycontin, and how the numbers of illegal use have gone up tremendous amounts. This is just funny to me because the signs have been all around us, it’s just now that people are figuring out this is a wicked problem. I’ll tell you again from personal experience, this is a hard horse to kick. I feel really bad for anyone having to deal with opiate detox, on any kind of level. So the place written about in the article is called Shasta County, and the head of the Shasta Interagency Drug Task Force, John Thulin says, “I would call it close to an epidemic in our county right now, a lot of kids are using it, from athletes to straight A students in schools. This is very scary in our community. I think it’s time to raise the alarm.” Back in 2008, his agents seized 376 oxycontin pills. In 2009 that number went up to 1,079. That’s quite the increase. If it’s happening here and there you can be sure to bet it’s happening everywhere else as well. I see it happening right here in our valley. Honestly, what can you really do about it? Start drug testing kids? Yea right, that’s going to go over real well with the parents. You can try going up against one of the largest pharmaceutical manufacturers on the planet, but good luck with that venture. So the only thing you can really do is educate your children, show them what these harmless feel good pills can do when you get addicted to them, and just hope that they have enough common sense to not go down the path so many of us have chosen. Because once you start down that path, it’s a trip and a half to get back. Even once you get back, depending on how long you were using for, you aren’t ever yourself again. I’ve noticed changes in my own mind that never would have happened otherwise. It kind of sucks, but hey that’s life right?
“You have to try to be the best you can be and all that other shit.”
Another week in the can, another three Jamhole episodes and two Hot Box episodes for your listening enjoyment. It’s cool being able to utilize all of the technology we have today just to talk some shit for a few hours every week. I hope you enjoy listening to this shit as much as we enjoy talking this shit. It’s almost time to get ready for the Friday episode of the Jamhole, so let’s just get to the notes.
“So you went out with your cock out, and now you have bumps?”
According to this CNN online article, the DEA is looking to hire Ebonics translators. Just let that soak in for a moment. Ebonics, if you aren’t familiar, is the “language” African American’s tend to speak when among their own kind. Mostly this can be attributed to a decline in the ghetto education system, and rap music. Some people call it African American English, which is pretty awesome in and of itself. What a fucking joke. So the DEA apparently needs nine people to translate conversations picked up via wire tap during their investigations. You would think the DEA would just sit their agents down for a couple of hours each week and give them a complete tour of rap starting at NWA, going all the way up to the more modern versions. Shit, a now dead Brooklyn rapper by the name of Big L even wrote a song called Ebonics. Just listen to that shit and figure it out. You’re the fucking DEA for fucks sake. They probably got sick and tired of always having to ask the young agent who listens to hip hop about what the fuck these people are talking about. The funny thing is, they are probably going to have a bunch of early thirty year old white kids submitting resumes thinking they are perfect for the job because they listen to rap music and probably have a black friend or something. This goes on to their next point, that another problem they are having is that Ebonics is no longer just a black language, it’s now what is considered an urban language. Mostly because of all these punk ass wanna be white rappers out there who forget that at the end of the day when they look in the mirror, it’s just another scared white kid staring back at them. Professor John Baugh describes Ebonics as, “linguistic defiance being reinforced by hip-hop.” That right there is pretty awesome. To finish up here, in case you didn’t know, the term Ebonics is a blend of ebony and phonics. I love our language.
“If you get in a wreck on that road, you’re an idiot, and I hope you die.”
Today was just one of those days. You know the kind. The sort of day that drags on like it was being taken against it’s will to the chopping block. It’s like all of the retards that live in the Flathead Valley all call each other the night before, and figure out a master plan as to how they can get in my way, seriously piss me off, and fuck up my day. For starters, driving on the highways today was a little reminiscent of watching the Special Olympics. But with less skill and grace. I swear, some of these people HAVE to be giving out bribes to the DMV or something, because I really don’t understand how you can be so oblivious to what’s going on around you and still be able to get your driver’s license. I can’t wait for the day when we have cars that drive themselves. Some people are scared of that, because the systems can malfunction or get hacked. Well, have you been out on highway 93 or highway 2 during lunch time? You know it couldn’t possibly be any worse than that. I would much rather have to dodge an autopilot car who’s control computer has a virus, than some idiot who thinks they are the only person on the road today. At least they would have an excuse. “I knew I shouldn’t have told my car to click on that email attachment while I was commuting to work. Now my whole car is fucked. But hey, it still drives better than I do.” Oh well, much like the Snoop Dogg song, this types of shit happens every day. I was just a little more sensitive to it today. It’s cool, because boy are you all in for a show tonight. I’m excited. Plus, it’s Monday Funday, so that should make it all better. Here’s the notes!
“I suck at rapping if you’re not there with me.”
As if the American population didn’t have enough bullshit to deal with, we are now in the midst of the largest egg recall in history. We sure are all about doing shit bigger and better than everyone else. Let’s take a quick tally of the latest human caused tragedies that have fucked our shit up lately. Actually, it’s getting kind of late and we have a podcast tonight, so I just want to talk about the most recent two. The biggest, baddest oil spill / gusher in our history, and now this salmonella outbreak. That’s what the fuck I’m talking about. When we fuck shit up, we FUCK shit up. According to this article, damn near a half billion eggs have been recalled due to salmonella. Redman said it best when he said you are going to catch salmonella if you keep fucking with all these chicken heads. I’m paraphrasing of course, and I don’t think he was talking about the same thing here, but clever nonetheless. The numbers so far say that nearly 2,000 people have been sickened by salmonella linked to tainted eggs in recent months, and they are of course, expecting that number to rise. This might be surprising to you, seeings how we consume the fuck out of some eggs, and rarely do we get sick from it. But if you dig a little deeper into where these eggs are coming from, it’s more surprising that we DON’T get sick all the time. Apparently the owner of one of the farms these tainted eggs came from is no stranger to problems like this. His name is Jack DeCoster, and from what I’ve read, he is kind of a scumbag. DeCoster is 75 years old, and his family run egg farm, Wright County Eggs, is responsible for providing salmonella tainted eggs to 15 of the 25 restaurants where people have gotten sick.
In the summer of 1996, DeCoster had to pay 3 million dollars in fines after the U.S. Labor Department found dead chickens being picked up by workers with bare hands. That is so fucking disgusting. Even more disgusting, is that the complaint also stated DeCoster’s workers lived beside manure and rat infested trailers. This complaint led to several supermarkets boycotting DeCoster’s eggs. Then, in 2000, the Iowa attorney general dubbed DeCoster a “habitual offender” of the states environmental laws, and ordered him to pay a $150,000 fine. Basically he was disposing of his hog and chicken shit into a nearby creek. What a fucking dick head. Then, on top of that, earlier this year DeCoster plead guilty to 10 counts of animal cruelty charges over the company’s treatment of their chickens. The national non profit group, Mercy for Animals ran an undercover investigation and witnessed live birds being thrown in the trash, employees whipping birds by their necks in an attempt to kill them, and hens living in cages so small that their wings could not be lifted without getting snagged on wires. The rotting corpses of hens were also often not removed from the cages they shared with hens that were producing eggs to be used in human consumption. Hmm, after reading this, I wonder how the fuck you managed to get salmonella tainted eggs. What a fucking jerk off. The list of his offences goes on and on, if you want to check it out, read the three page article. It’s quite interesting. The bottom line is, when there are so many mouths to feed, sometimes corners get cut in order to satisfy that need. We can’t be so surprised when shit like this happens. It’s bound to happen. It’s called risk management. How many corners can we cut before we start killing in numbers that are above the acceptable loss quotient? We all end up statistics sooner or later.
“I’m going to be a wraith queen.”
Sit up straight and speak with posture, foster thoughts inside this monster, without a home to cover up these feelings, the being grows old and smothers the bleeding. So I walk with discomfort each day I breath and talk the talk to make you believe, that everything will eventually work out, until this jerk off puts the words down. On paper or liquid crystal I display, the thoughts in my head I’m dying to say, so kill me already and do me a favor, savor each letter I print for your leisure. This non believer deceived by he, with the forked tongue and a taste for the creeps. So flee or get flicked, those who don’t are bound to get sick, but I got the vaccine for all your crap, just sit there and listen to me… Mat.
“Did you just call me an ugly hoe?”
This is how I know we are truly in the digital age. Back in the day, if you wanted to hook up with someone of the opposite gender (you know there wasn’t any gays back in the day), you would have to go to where the opposite gender was at. Whether it be a bar, or the laundromat, or the grocery store, you actually had to leave your house to get yourself a date. Either that or you would know a friend who’s girlfriend or boyfriend had a friend that just completely sucked at dating, and was super single. So you, being the good friend you are, would agree to go out with them, and that would be that. Well, no more do we have to leave the safe comfortable asylum that is our living room in order to find a mate. Sure Mat, we’ve known about this for quite sometime now, it’s called Facebook. To that I would say of course, but you and me, we’re different than everyone else, plus there wasn’t really shit else to write about. The mainstream is just now figuring out this whole online dating thing apparently. Or at least they are starting to study it. Just like the telephone was technology that made it easier to stay in touch, the internet is like the telephone on super steroids. We are vastly approaching an era where connectivity is ubiquitous, thus being connected to people will become more second nature than it already is. I also think that with this technology, the STD rate is going to increase as well. With more people dating outisde of their normal real life social circles, these diseases have a better chance of spreading to more and more people. Plus, if you use the internet to find you one night stands, you never have to tell anyone that you have aids or herpes, because chances are, you will never see them again. So it can go both ways, if used correctly it can be a great tool, but like so many other things in life, if abused, it can usher in the impending apocalypse. The article says, “A new study finds that nearly a quarter of couples met online, and predicts the web may soon become the number one way Americans find a mate.” Anyways, it’s actually a pretty interesting article, so give it a read, I have some shit to do before the show tonight, so that’s all I’m going to say about it.
“Guess you can’t yell when you’re face down in water.”
So the story goes, and it goes and it goes. When does it stop? No body fucking knows. The river of time flows in direct proportion to the amount of time spent on our toes. Feel me? Well then stop, because we just met, are you a cop? Of course not, that would be silly. Chances are, just another dumb hillbilly Bob out robbing banks, like a slob never sat down and gave thanks. Join the ranks of the outdated slums, how do you hitch hike out without any thumbs? Says the proton to the electron as they passed some shocking news, before going supernova for a different point of view. Stop being so negative, it’s a waste of good energy and read what I try to write so splendidly.
“If we modeled our society after Starcraft 2, we’d be great.”
One step closer to the American dream. The derelicts scream on the silver screen. We pay big bucks to see it, give a sick fuck and critique it, until in the end you end up being it. So chew it up then spit it out, we’re too proud to set this one down. Drowning in pity for a party in the city, you never looked so good, it’s so shitty. So please forgive me before you go home and the next time we meet we’ll be home alone. I walk miles every day to bring you the sunshine, and in your own special way you make it rain on my fun time parade. So cut the charade with a butter knife and let’s all pray for a better life.