Ep 270: Quantum Leap

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“I’m not a doctor, and the device is what does the work on your body.”

It’s now the evening of Thursday, November 12th 2009, and I just got finished up another long back breaking day of work. The only thought running laps in my mind has been the surreal fact that in the next 24 hours, I will have my first ever surgery. The kicker is that the first surgery I get to experience just so happens to be on my dick. Yea, I thought the same exact thing, lucky me. I imagine it going a little something like this: I arrive at noon, greeted with smiles from both sides of the facility. I will of course, have to fill out more paper work. They will offer me some water. Being slightly parched from my conventional nervousness I will graciously accept the little paper cup. I down it in one big gulp, and I instantly know something is off. Too late. The water has a weird taste, must be Culligan… Oh fuck, here we go. Everything starts imprudently shifting, eyes getting blurry, head getting fuzzy, equilibrium all fucked up, brain dizzy, watch out for the floor Mat… I’m somehow caught in mid fall by a large man pushing a wheel chair. Where did he come from I think to myself. Weird… As I drift in and out of consciousness, he wheels me into the operating room, where my now limp body is carefully transferred onto the cold lifeless metal that is the surgery table. Nightmarish imagery flashes in and out of my mind’s eye, taking bits and pieces from what my real eyes are seeing and transforming them into something reminiscent of a horrorfest movie. I’m surrounded by a group of people I don’t know, all waiting for the harbinger to raise the mighty scalpel and bury it into my shaft. In a ritualistic sacrifice of sorts, the group joins hands as they chant the ancient words. This is the exorcyst. This is my penile exorcystem of a down… (ok, that was a stretch) The demon that has made my woody woodpecker it’s home will be forcefully ejaculated, but not without putting up a fight. Somehow it feels like the demon is holding on. It doesn’t want to leave. They never leave quietly, and not without fucking some shit up first. I can feel the tentacles tightening their grasp on whatever part of my corpus spongiosum they are entangled in. I feel them loosen with each swipe of the blade, I can hear the shrieks of the dying demon within. Should have chosen another place to hole up in demon. In this battle, you will not emerge the victor. I will. I already have. One down, two to go. In the quantum universe, this is all said and done. I am back home relaxing, nursing my wound, icing my cock and balls. Then again, in another universe, something went horribly wrong and they had to amputate my captain hook. Let’s all wish me luck!

  • Happy Veterans Day! Thanks for all your hard work and sacrifice. We’re sorry your bosses have been such retards.
  • Thanks for having your shit working properly, so I can do my job. Step up your game! I got your direct extension RIGHT HERE. Bazing!
  • You make a business out of fucking people, eventually you get fucked.
  • The droid is still awesome. They should pay me for this shit. If you use google latitude, add hazmatikus. That’s me! Geek hide and seek. Don’t hate Mr. Boudet. Don’t hate…
  • Here’s the video I recorded with the droid. A little mobile emo poetry for that ass.
  • The app I was using to plot my route and track my speed is called my tracks. If you want to get me a get well present, I could use a car charger or a new battery for my droid.
  • Huge thanks to everyone for not letting me forget about my surgery. You are all huge smelly assholes. Yes, I am still freaked the fuck out.
  • A strange phone call from an old friend. Actually, he’s not a friend, but he has been on the show before. Have fun spending the next five years of your life in jail.
  • Please don’t cut my dick off. Thank you. The only thing keeping me going is the pain meds I’m gonna get. Who’s excited for the Friday show? This guy!
  • Here is the penis video we were talking about. It’s so stupid it’s kind of funny.
  • Of course we have to do some penis surgery news. Who’s ready for the rabbit cock? I’ll take the elephant model. Also, if your dog has big balls, please cover them up. I’m sick of seeing your pets’ balls, especially when they are bigger than my own balls.
  • Another voicemail from our quantum friend… Followed by an awesome twenty minute phone call. That’s right, we finally got to talk to her. What a crazy, crazy lady. If you wanna hear just the phone call, check out thejamhole.com/crazy. The call ends at about 54:00 if you wanted to skip it.
  • Blow jobs do matter, and if a guy tells you they don’t, he’s just spitting game. I’m an idiot, and Danni needs to suck more cock. My cock preferably.
  • A little post whoo-whoo call wrap up. Again, if you want to read about the quantum machine, you can find informative articles here, here, and here. If anyone knows what to do to get this quackery to stop, email info@thejamhole.com please.
  • What can you tell me about a perfect vagina? Oh right, besides the fact that they don’t exist in nature. The documentary about vaginas I was talking about is called The Perfect Vagina. Check it out!
  • Let’s talk about all the people we had sex with in the past, and what their genitals looked like. We were so silly. By the way, Rate my Toe dot com is no longer around. They must have sold the domain. Rate my poo is still around.
  • The greatest doctors in the world are in Australia. Selling babies for 1200 bucks! I’m sorry miss, your baby is dead and we took the liberty of cremating it. You’re welcome!
  • Getting paid time off for the swine flu. Sweet deal! Sorry, I can’t find the original article I read, but this one sums it up.
  • Keep an eye on your kitties, you don’t want them getting the pussy flu. That’s right, cats may be susceptible to the h1nword. That is sad kittens.
  • This is what really happened to Katt Williams. You’re welcome katg.
  • The Netherlands is actually closing prisons. Maybe we should take a lesson from them. They seem to be doing alright.
  • Danni still loves her job. My how time flies when your having a great time at an awesome job. Also, what happened famous daves? Why are all your good employees going to teletech? Maybe treat the people who run your store a little better. Too late.
  • Buy some stuff from our store, we are broke as fuck! Or you can even donate!
  • Well, wish me luck for the surgery, and we’ll see you Friday. And please, no more bloody penis pictures. Thanks!

About Mat Lee

Creating dope shit since the chromosome split...
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