Ep 324: Jerk-Off Mountain

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“This conversation is over.”

So I’m searching around bing for the phrase “kalispell podcast” or “montana podcast” just to see who else is podcasting up in these parts. Plus I’ve never used bing before, so I wanted to see what Microsoft’s great answer to Google was. I don’t care for it, and I probably won’t ever use it again, but that’s besides the point. In the results it returned, was a video podcast made by the old Christian school I went to. Apparently the new cool thing to do for churches to be hip is recording their sermons and posting them as audio or video for people to subscribe to. You know, in case you want to be bored to tears and lied to the other six days left in your week. So of course I have to hear it so I can see what they are preaching now a days and how the quality is, and let me tell you something… God fucking awful. There was a horrendous feedback loop buzz in the background that was making my cat try to kill herself, and whoever was operating the camera had a little trouble following the pastor as he moved about the stage. The pastor should probably learn how to read a little better before he tries to read out of the bible in front of a sell out crowd of upper middle class god snobs. You would think god could step in once a week and help this poor guy out, maybe hook it up with the Rosetta Stone or something. I was embarrassed for this guy, and I’ve never met him or heard of him in my life. So he’s preaching the same old tired shit about how we’re all full of sin and god sent Jesus to die on the cross for that sin, so that we can live forever with god and jesus, and probably the holy ghost and a bunch of fucking angels and shit, in this perfect fairytale kingdom somewhere up in the sky.

First of all, we’re humans, and so far with the technology we have, we can keep a sack of flesh and bones alive for a little over a hundred years. Even longer if it’s just a brain and eyes on life support, like they did to cain in robocop 2. It’s not quite forever, but hey, we’re working on it. Second of all, you are a child still if you even think of believing this stuff. Now that I’m older and I’ve experienced the world and everything it has to offer, I can tell you that all this religion stuff is man made B S, continued on through the ages as a way of controlling large groups of people, created to fill a gap in our consciousness, when we think about the who, what, where, when, how, and why questions of our existence. It’s much nicer for some people to fool themselves into thinking there is a higher power out there that really gives a shit about some rat on a planet it supposedly created millennia ago. Also, if Jesus is the son of god, he couldn’t be killed… He could turn into a man, but then he’s a man, who CAN be killed. How does that logic work? If that’s the case, he didn’t feel a god damn thing, and we shouldn’t really feel sorry for him when he supposedly got beaten and then cruicified. So when he died, did he become immortal again? Does he still have his super “water into wine” powers when he’s in man form or just in god form? I’m just trying to clarify a few things here. I’m sorry, but you can’t set the laws of physics in motion then break them whenever you want. I mean I guess if you’re god, you can do that, but then what’s going on now? Did you get bored and forget about us? You supposedly made some pretty large promises way back in the day, I don’t think your followers would appreciate you breaking those promises now. Honestly, I would much rather live in a world where there really is a god that exists and rules over people, and demands our respect, honor, and our first ten percent, and in return does cool stuff for us, but I’m afraid that’s just not the case. I would also love a world where we’re all super tall, wicked buff, blue, and we can plug our weird hair thing into just about anything else on the planet, but that is also, as some people found out the hard way, not the reality we live in.

  • Did you know on the ustream app if you search for the jamhole in recorded shows, you can watch camera 1 of most of the recent episodes. Kinda cool on the go.
  • Let’s reflect on the Katg WDWDN book interview. The first time we interviewed Keith Malley was on ep 288: The Keith Malley Story. Good stuff.
  • Don’t ever bet against me again. I win! For now… And I remember the first time I ever saw her cry was after her surgery. That’s what it was from. What a trooper.
  • Let’s play the “how many comments can you make before the thread gets locked.” Brought to you by the Flathead Beacon and the highly intelligent people that post there. Play along at home! It’s fun when you have a few minutes to kill.
  • Let’s take a trip to Jerk Off mountain. I am still somewhat shocked at the dicketry portrayed in this scene. King douche from jerk off mountain needs a craigslist account. Stay tuned for details. Someone should make a song about him. That would make us smile.
  • Another Redfox impersonator calls in and schools us on the government. Has he ever had a girlfriend? I mean between the anime conventions and the podcast, who has time for bitches?
  • For the record, there was no brake lines cut, or throats slit. I just want to make the clear… I simply gave him a card with a link to this site.
  • I bet if you came out of the closet, you’d live a happier, more fulfilling life.
  • Apparently an employee can quit a job for no reason, so an employer can fire an employee for no reason. It’s fucking chaos out there, have you seen it?
  • Keep sending your postcards to the jamhole po box. Thank you!
  • Let’s get earth day focused on overpopulation this year! Fuck yea. So money, and overpopulation, are the root of all evil. I can probably get behind that. Instead of donating to them, donate to us. Use the baby seal condoms then get over it. Stop having babies.
  • WWJD Question 30. The big Monday makeup, fame and fortune for a price. NAAAH! WWJD Question 31 God has a little dilemma, and a lotta foreskin.
  • A new Romero zombie movie, Survival of the Dead. Maybe we don’t need to keep the zombies alive. Probably not going to be a good idea.
  • Slammin Salmon, another broken lizard joint. Are they still called joints? Fuck it, funny good stuff. You should probably see this before you see survival of the dead. You could probably just skip survival all together.
  • The Utah miscarriage bill update. I’m glad they reworded the bill. Nice work Utah! Can we just get rid of the word “reckless” kthkz.
  • A couple of fucked up Florida stories. Beating up a one legged bicyclist after you hit him in your car. That’s what you get for fucking his sister. Also sneaking drugs into jail in your fat rolls. You fat disgusting fuck.
  • Getting completely destroyed while minding your own business, jogging on a beach. Wrong place, wrong time.
  • Hey Time Warner, how’s your kids on demand channel doing? How’s your playboy on demand channel doing? Do they hang out much? Why would anyone want kids on demand? I don’t get it.
  • Don’t have sex with your ex girlfriend if the relationship ended because you cheated on her. It’s a trick you stupid son of a bitch. She will have thugs fuck your asshole.
  • Kentucky man high on pot and drunk on whiskey puts his baby in the oven. For reals. Hey bro, you forgot to turn it on. Another dumb son of a bitch. You’re not high, you’re crazy!
  • Please stop using the phrase “up in smoke” when writing a story about weed. It hasn’t been funny since 1978 when Cheech and Chong first did it. And honestly, it wasn’t all that funny back then, they just had better cocaine.
  • Thanks for all the letters about how to get Danni to fuck me more. We appreciate it 🙂 I love you my goddess!
  • Don’t forget, send us a post card from where you live! Also, make sure you are on the forums, so you can win an autographed copy of the keith and the girl book. Leave a message for the Friday show at 406.204.4687.