Ep 496: Rapture

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“It is going to happen.”

Harold Camping of Family Radio made yet another prediction of when the end times in the form of the great rapture was supposed to happen. On May 21st 2011, all of the good god fearing sheep of the planet should have been whisked away to heaven, while the rest of us “sinners” were to be left behind until October 21st 2011, when the great day of judgement would occur. Of course, if you believe it when a senile, bible brainwashed 89 year old, who has everything to profit and nothing to lose tells you the world is coming to an end, and unless you repent and believe in his god you will be left behind to suffer “something really horrible,” then I think you deserve to be assed out. But what I am really appalled at is how much mainstream media coverage this nut job got. Sure, we mentioned it quite a long time ago on the podcast, and that is how it should have stayed. Nothing more than some make fun fodder for internet talk shows to fill an hour with. Back then, I had no idea this guy would start what is now known as the Mediapocalypse aka The Great I Told You So. I don’t think anyone did. My curiosity wonders if Harold Camping really practices the bullshit he preaches, or if he’s just in it for the money. It doesn’t take much now a days to get people all riled up, especially with all the 2012 doomsday talk that’s been making it’s way through the media outlets. But really? When you preach this kind of nonsense, and you have a large group of people who blindly believe in it, it is your responsibility to maintain the calm of those people.

In my opinion, what Harold Camping did is just like yelling bomb inside an airport. You set up this framework of blindly believing in something, and you say the end is coming and everyone should be ready for it, and that’s just fine if you’re into that nonsense. But then he went one step further and actually claimed to have applied mathematics to the bible, which spit out the May 21st and October 21st dates. Apparently May 21st 2011 is exactly 7,000 years since the great Flood. Happy anniversary Noah! I’m sorry, but no matter how much logic and science and math you apply to the bible, the outcome is always the same. Why? Because you are applying logic to a fairytale. You are applying rational thinking to a faith based system that was created as a tool of control encouraging it’s believers to never question, just blindly believe and follow, because if you don’t, your “soul” will burn in “hell” forever. Yeah, ok… Why do you think all this crap in the bible is so open ended? Don’t worry kids, Jesus WILL come back again (insinuating that he was actually here once before), but you won’t know when. It’ll be like a thief in the night. Jesus worked a ton of miracles and god talked to his people and answered prayers, all according to the bible way back in the day… You know, when people lived in harmony with the dinosaurs and actually saw and spoke to angels… Hahaha. But seriously, where are all those answered prayers now? Where are the miracles? Of course they say god works in mysterious ways and that we cannot know the mind of god. Very convenient. This isn’t even moving the goal posts. It’s stating that in this game, we don’t count goals, you just need to have faith that we are all indeed playing a game, and that there is really a score, and an actual end. The sad thing is, most of the religious believers probably have more faith in their religion because the rapture didn’t happen when Harold Camping said it would. Because, for some silly reason, Harold and his belief system is silly and wrong, but you and your belief system are completely legitimate and correct. Just like the billboard says, 2,000 years of any day now. What a fucking joke.

  • Welcome to our two hour Rapture Report special of the Jamhole. Listen to how out of it Harold Camping sounds when he states May 21st will be judgement day. It will be a horror story we can’t conceive of. I can’t agree more, IT IS UTTER NONSENSE. I love hearing that clip. I love how there is already a cop out written just in case the rapture didn’t happen.
  • Holy fucking shit, it truly is hell on earth in Florida. Mike calls in with a Rapture Report. Apparently gas is almost five bucks a gallon. Let it begin! Apparently because your clothes have no soul, and the majority of people getting raptured are old men, heaven is filled with old dicks. Meanwhile on earth we are taking all those soulless clothes and having a J.C. Penny / Goodwill merger. Nice.
  • Lyrickal calls in with a quick Rapture Report. Honestly I don’t think he even knew what was going on until we said something. Suicide and sadness, all day long. Good to hear from you Lyrickal, and we hope to get you in the studio very soon to tell everyone about your journey. He did have some interesting news for us. Randy the Macho man was taken up to heaven. God needed someone to show him the proper way to snap into a slim jim.
  • The ability to be a dick goes hand in hand with faith. I like Danni’s logic on this one. That’s why religion has that fine print that no matter who they are, if they don’t believe what you believe, they are wrong and going to hell.
  • A beautiful act of consumerism consumption. This man proudly ate his 25,000th Big Mac a mere 39 years after he ate his first. Love at first site. Honey, you had me at Big… He said, “I plan on eating Big Mac’s until I die.” Well, you keep at it, and hopefully your wish will come true.
  • Guess who else has jokes on the great day of Rapture? The C – D – Motherfucking C! Hey idiots, are you ready for the impending zombie apocalypse? Sounds like they are looking into the future. Are you ready for this? Because we’re just putting the finishing touches on our zombie virus. Just wanted to let you all know what we’re working on here at the CDC.
  • The Catholic church is blaming 1960’s permissiveness for it’s rise in sexual abuse. I blame Catholic priests being such corrupt scumbags and not jerking off enough for it’s rise in sexual abuse. That and I’m sure there are more gay altar boys now, which would skew those numbers a bit. Maybe if you practiced what you preached, you wouldn’t have to point your stinky poo covered finger at an idea that happened over 50 years ago.
  • Shit, I’m sorry you’re honor, I figured we would all be getting raptured and going to heaven. I just wanted to see what fucking my mom was like. I know I have AIDS, but like I said, I figured we were all going to be raptured. WOOPS! You fucked your mom and gave her aids. Not very god like if you ask me. But then again, that depends on what your version of god is like.
  • Before we take a break to go outside and check on the rapture, we have an amazing story of kids in Oklahoma making videos of lighting themselves on fire. I am completely down with throwing fireballs at each other, but only if you yell HADOUKEN when you do it. I guess we shouldn’t expect too much out of the bible belt. Maybe once you learn how to read, read something other than the bible. Did you feel that? If the rapture doesn’t get you, your stupid kids will. Disappointment on THREE! One… Two… Three… DISAPPOINTMENT! Enjoy some Carlin while we take a quick break.
  • We talked to god, and apparently he isn’t a friend of Harold’s. He doesn’t even like the guy. God told me that the rapture was never going to happen, because he has completely given up on humanity. You and me both god.
  • Our good friend Timmy calls in to get some problems off his chest. This kid is the modern day equivalent of Job. He has the worst luck, but the best karma. It’s just one fucked up thing after another. Which is really fucked up, because he’s one of the nicest kids I know. How do you succeed in life when your parents are trying to fuck you?
  • Back to the rapture. You can thank us, because I talked to god and told him I still had quite a bit of shit to do. At least let me finish this album. God is a fan of my rap music. Believe that shit!
  • Let’s get through the rest of the rapture related stories. Lightning round, here we go…
  • What won’t you be doing tonight? If you knew this was it, what would you do?
  • What is the man himself, Harold Camping, doing on the day of the rapture? Praying to god that it fucking happens before he has a whole lot of crow to eat? Yea, probably.
  • Eleven things you need to know about the rapture.
  • Judgement day tips for believers and non believers.
  • Happy Apocalypse Appreciation day. May 21st will forever be remember as the day the earth stood still long enough to point and laugh at this poor 89 year old.
  • We’ll see you Monday for episode 497 with a Post Apocalyptic Rapture wrap up. Join us live on Jamhole TV at 7pm PT. 10pm ET.
  • If you are local and know a place our friend Timmy can stay, please email info@thejamhole.com or text me at 406.848.1739. He’s a good kid down on his luck. Mainly because his parents are fucking DICKS.
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