Ep 214: Crappie

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“Call me a bitch but I’m just not into that.”

So there we were, sitting on a boat with Richard Dreyfuss, Roy Scheider, and Robert Shaw, drinking whiskey, telling each other tales of near death situations involving large angry sea creatures and old shitty boats, and showing the scars to prove it. The Orca’s old wood creaking and moaning from the swell of the ocean in a rhythmic vibration that matched my own steady heart beat. Thump thump… Thump thump… I’ll have another shot please, and this time, don’t skimp on the booze. That Robert Shaw sure can drink, damn near drank us under the table that night. Until I awoke in a cold sweat, nearly pissing my pants from the liquid consumed the night before. So I got out of bed doing my best not to disturb my sleeping girlfriend laying next to me, her heart also beating, a synchronicity I refuse to overlook. After releasing my waste into the pipes that would take it to the heart of the city, only to be recycled and redistributed as some poor souls drinking water, I noticed it staring at me. Every time I glance in that general direction, it’s staring at me with those bedroom eyes. The fleshlight beckoned me over, and who am I to resist the dark rubbery temptress of the night? My inner loins ached, and I could feel my own flesh starting to throb, my own heart beating faster and faster, my lust growing with the anticipation of what was about to happen. The fleshlight had somehow already lubed itself up, an odd fact that I was willing to worry about at a later date. I entered the fleshlights moist tight hole, and holy fuck did it feel good. That’s when I awoke from the dream, soaking wet with what appeared to be a mixture of urine and semen, my dick somehow in the midst of humping a wadded up section of sheets and blanket, my girlfriend looming over me with eyes that said, “You just pissed and ejaculated on me and the bed we share, and I’m very unhappy because of it.” Thump thump… Thump thump… Thump thump…

  • Mat’s ass going through the whole bristol stool chart, starting from the small solids and ending with the spraying liquids.
  • Going fishing all over the fucking place, for those keeping score at home: Mat-1, Danni-0.
  • Mat found Danni the whole Beetlejuice cartoon collection. Danni now owes Mat about 100 blow jobs. Mat finds out Danni knows the whole script to Beetlejuice the movie.
  • The Abducted is an awful movie, even worse than transformers 2.
  • Bronson is a great movie. I said on the arse cheeks, not in the arse!
  • The new seasons of Weeds and True Blood have begun. Finally we have something worthwhile to watch television wise.
  • Let’s talk about unwanted house guests. Is Mat a bad person for saying he can stay under false pretenses, then saying he cannot? We really want to hear what you think about this, not that it’s going to change the outcome, but for our own curiosity. Discuss in thejamhole.com/forums. The post is called “Rant” or just click the link, it goes right there.
  • Our good friend Mike Boudet from Erototoys.com calls in and we shoot some shit. Hey Adam and Eve, go fuck yourselves!
  • Sara Palin has finally fucking lost it, if she ever had it. I really hate that stupid fucking cunt, and her family, and her church, and her hockey team.
  • Putting babies in their place. Was that really worth wrecking the fuck out of your vagina for? By the way, Mat wins episode 214.
  • Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me… Unless you find out where I live and come to my house, hit me with a beer bottle, then bite my ear off.
  • Getting your penis blown… THE FUCK UP, because your a fucking idiot. Hell have no wrath like a pist off bitch and some firecrackers.
  • Religious people are fucking idiots, in case you didn’t know. Your whole religion offends me, so suck on those nuts you stupid cunt.
  • Getting rid of your kid, smoothly making it look like an accident. Either that, or your child is a fucking retard, and deserves to die in a very retarded way.
  • For being an MI6 boss, you married the dumbest fucking woman in the world. Congratulations, your whole family is probably going to get killed now.
  • Fuck my life, let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let’s talk about car accidents and shit! Name that tune…