Ep 276: Climate Change


“I know you weren’t gay, I was just hoping you were bi.”

Another holiday skewed by the time that has passed. Of course it sounds nice to tell your children that the pilgrims and the Indians sat down and shared a feast together, that is not what really happened. The real story of thanksgiving is filled with greed and bloodshed. It has even been touted as the most terrifying bloodshed in new world history. When the pilgrims came to the new world from england, they were very unprepared and had to rely heavily on handouts from the generous Indians. The Indians weren’t even invited by the pilgrims to the meal. The pilgrims invited the Indian leader, whose name was Massasoit, and he in turned invited around ninety other Indians, which the pilgrims were not pleased about. The pilgrims indulged in their brew, which they preferred to drink even more than water. This daily inebriation led their governor, William Bradford, to comment on his peoples notorious sin, which included rampant sodomy. The pilgrims got drunk and fucked things in the ass. Happy Thanksgiving!

(Excerpt from this site)
Just days before the alleged Thanksgiving love-fest, a company of Pilgrims led by Myles Standish actively sought to chop off the head of a local chief. They deliberately caused a rivalry between two friendly Indians, pitting one against the other in an attempt to obtain “better intelligence and make them both more diligent.” An 11-foot-high wall was erected around the entire settlement for the purpose of keeping the Indians out. Any Indian who came within the vicinity of the Pilgrim settlement was subject to robbery, enslavement, or even murder. The Pilgrims further advertised their evil intentions and white racial hostility, when they mounted five cannons on a hill around their settlement, constructed a platform for artillery, and then organized their soldiers into four companies-all in preparation for the military destruction of their friends the Indians. Pilgrim Myles Standish eventually got his bloody prize. He went to the Indians, pretended to be a trader, then beheaded an Indian man named Wituwamat. He brought the head to Plymouth, where it was displayed on a wooden spike for many years, according to Gary B. Nash, “as a symbol of white power.” Standish had the Indian man’s young brother hanged from the rafters for good measure. From that time on, the whites were known to the Indians of Massachusetts by the name “Wotowquenange,” which in their tongue meant cutthroats and stabbers. To read more about the real thanksgiving, check out this site. I really think people need to know what they are celebrating. Just like Columbus day.

  • Please excuse Danni while she goes and throws the fuck up. In other news, my penis is healing quite nicely.
  • A great orgasm session… Finally! Now my dick needs more healing time. After the blowjob, it felt like Danni tried to rip my dick off. Please be gentle.
  • Is the droid having battery problems? Does it have a virus? Fuck no, it just needed to be reset. Which is cool, because I haven’t reset the droid since I’ve gotten it.
  • Hey chick at the gas station with the lazy eye, who are you looking at? Danni has the same problem, but she can focus it. Practice makes perfect right?
  • Crazy white wing extremist conservatives… Did you hear, global warming is a scam? It’s people like this that make me ashamed to be a human. People are retarded. Please just keep destroying the planet we all live in. It’s fine, we’ll find another one.
  • A weird note left on the bike of our friend. Who wants a fuck? Just a straight bro looking for another straight bro to J.O.
  • Let’s get to the bottom of why dikes think Danni is a dike. Hmmm… Hey, do you wanna munch some box? Because you look like the kind of chick that would munch some box.
  • All of our best wishes go out to our friend Ashley through this dire time. Hopefully you learn your lesson, and this won’t ever happen again. If you are on probation, you gotta play their game by their rules. That’s just how it is.
  • Leaving your kid in the trailer while you go into a strip club. Nice job parents!
  • Let’s talk about the movie Carriers. What would you do in this situation? Would you survive? We would!
  • You can’t even get a hotdog and a soda for a buck these days. Times are tough. That’s just how we roll in North Carolina.
  • Times are so tough, especially for Michigan, when people are stealing other peoples thanksgiving turkeys.
  • Guess who’s gonna babysit? This guy! Easiest fifteen bucks I ever made.

By Finn

Creating dope shit since the chromosome split...

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