Ep 247: Death Wish

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“It’s a really sweet ride now!”

Hey Kalispell youth, what the fuck is your problem? I remember when I was a kid to play jokes on people I would egg cars or houses, put silly string on cars, oil on the windshield, make penis shapes in the dust, or even when I got super mad at someone I popped the tires. Never did I ever even think about putting sugar in someones gas tank. That is just fucked up. It fucks your whole car, it ruins your gas lines, pump, filter, spark plugs, and pretty much makes it not run any more. Someone would have to be pretty fucking mad to do that to someone. I don’t know who I pissed off but currently my car is in the shop with over $1,000 in damages to be repaired. The sad part about the whole thing (besides Mat now having to wake up extra earlier to drive my ass to work), is that it’s a brand new fucking car. It only has 54,000 miles on it and I still owe over $11,000. (Can you say anal DP, no lube?)  I have been trying my hardest to think of who could have done this, but so far no dice. I don’t talk to anyone, I only hang out with Mat and my family, and I don’t remember pissing anyone off recently. Overall I think it was just a random act of stupidity from our town’s youth. I don’t see how this could be funny to anyone at all. (Unless of course you listen to the show, then it might be kind of funny, but only because it’s a comedy podcast.)  So who ever did this to me, from the bottom of my heart:  GO FUCK YOURSELF!

  • Fuck traffic light cameras. Money well spent I’m sure.
  • I’m glad you all get to enjoy the parade that completely blocks off the road I need to go on, but some of us still have to work. Thank you. Sometimes I think Kalispell is run by retarded eight year olds. No offense to retarded eight year olds of ourse.
  • You are fucking twelve, stop dressing and dancing like 20 year old sluts.
  • Go0d thing Danni isn’t a bird, because a bird that fails nesting usually dies… And yes, for those of you playing along at home, I did just make a bird joke.
  • Call centers are not there to help anyone, they exist solely to have low call times. What a fantastic business model.
  • Someone should tell the dead man / woman walking that put sugar in Danni’s gas tank to watch their back. Do you have any clue what you just unleashed? That is a Pandora’s Box my friend. Not only have you destroyed her vehicle, but you have also ruined my mornings. Thank you for that you dead piece of shit.
  • I finished Scott Sigler’s Infected! I highly recommend this book. One of the best science fiction books I’ve ever read.
  • Ok, perhaps Danni has some negative CAR-ma coming her way.
  • Come listen to sailor Danni! Who the fuck would put sugar in my motherfucking gas tank?
  • When you destroy the first 10 minutes of my day, you destroy my whole day.
  • Some local news involving pills and marijuana. Go team drugs! Word on the street is that jail is the last place you want to kick a pill habit in.
  • My poor poor penis. That’s right, if you guessed that all the blood came from my penis, give yourself a gold star!
  • Once you show a doctor your dick and they shove something in your pee hole, you don’t give a shit anymore.
  • Why is this thing on my dick? I can’t help fucking with it, because my dick feels like it wants to explode.
  • I cried after the best blow job ever last night.
  • AHHhh TOO MUCH PRESSURE! I think my cyst just came. Or maybe it’s a triangle. Maybe I’m infected. The bathroom looks like a set from CSI.
  • In case you were all wondering, yes, I am still super nervous about dick surgery.
  • When it rains it pours. Sometimes even Mat loses his shit.
  • You ever see a hate crime happen at a Cracker Barrel? I reckon. That’s what happens when you have klan meetings at a place that serves chicken, grits, and black eyed peas.
  • Does anyone remember minor detail? Yea, me either.
  • Danni finally bears witness to Mat puking.
  • Don’t forget, September 25th is the 250th episode celebration / live audience show! We are meeting at Anna’s Italian Grille for dinner at 8pm. The show will start at 10pm.
  • Get your jamhole church stickers!
  • You have one more week to enter to win the 120 gig ipod loaded with jamhole stuff!