Tag Archives: true blood

Ep 245: Neosemen

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“You know that cum heals everything right?”

There are many things in life and the reality the media and those in control have created for us that I could really give a fuck less about. A couple of those things are starting up again, as they are seasonal annoyances. The VMA’s being one of them, and football season being another. We discuss quite a few things in tonight’s episode, I just wanted to reiterate how stupid I think this is. I know that somehow, a lot of you think football is such a great sport, passed down to man from the gods themselves. But seriously, you all act like you play the sport yourself, which you do not. You don’t play shit, unless of course you count that stupid fantasy football shit, which only counts in as much as dungeons and dragons counts you being a real dragon slayer. There is absolutely nothing in your life that you do that has any effect, negative or positive, on any football team, past, present, or future. Unless of course, you take all that fantasy money you won playing fantasy football, and you buy yourself a real football team.

For a bunch of adults that have adult jobs and adult responsibilities like raising kids and paying bills, you all act like uneducated cattle. Just because maybe once upon a time you had a dream drilled into your still young, malleable brains, that one day you were going to grow up big and strong and play pro ball, and maybe, instead, grew up lazy and fat and your father watched those dreams of his crumble before his very own eyes like so many cookie crumbs on your shirt, so now you get a raging hard on whenever you see the NFL on television, or hear anyone speak of football, and to this day you still have no idea why. Sure, when I was a kid my friends and I used to play football at recess, and sure, it was a great time. But let me say that again. WHEN I WAS A KID. So basically, if you know me in real life, please refrain from bringing up things like football, and I’ll refrain from giving you my “I honestly don’t give a fuck about anything coming out of your mouth right now” face. Trust me, it’s for the best.

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Ep 214: Crappie

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“Call me a bitch but I’m just not into that.”

So there we were, sitting on a boat with Richard Dreyfuss, Roy Scheider, and Robert Shaw, drinking whiskey, telling each other tales of near death situations involving large angry sea creatures and old shitty boats, and showing the scars to prove it. The Orca’s old wood creaking and moaning from the swell of the ocean in a rhythmic vibration that matched my own steady heart beat. Thump thump… Thump thump… I’ll have another shot please, and this time, don’t skimp on the booze. That Robert Shaw sure can drink, damn near drank us under the table that night. Until I awoke in a cold sweat, nearly pissing my pants from the liquid consumed the night before. So I got out of bed doing my best not to disturb my sleeping girlfriend laying next to me, her heart also beating, a synchronicity I refuse to overlook. After releasing my waste into the pipes that would take it to the heart of the city, only to be recycled and redistributed as some poor souls drinking water, I noticed it staring at me. Every time I glance in that general direction, it’s staring at me with those bedroom eyes. The fleshlight beckoned me over, and who am I to resist the dark rubbery temptress of the night? My inner loins ached, and I could feel my own flesh starting to throb, my own heart beating faster and faster, my lust growing with the anticipation of what was about to happen. The fleshlight had somehow already lubed itself up, an odd fact that I was willing to worry about at a later date. I entered the fleshlights moist tight hole, and holy fuck did it feel good. That’s when I awoke from the dream, soaking wet with what appeared to be a mixture of urine and semen, my dick somehow in the midst of humping a wadded up section of sheets and blanket, my girlfriend looming over me with eyes that said, “You just pissed and ejaculated on me and the bed we share, and I’m very unhappy because of it.” Thump thump… Thump thump… Thump thump…

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