Ep 262: Holy Hell


“Everything fucking hurts and I’m sober, nothing is ok.”

The hunter stalks it’s prey, waiting patiently for the chance to strike. Sneaking slowly around corners, hiding in the shadows cast down by the grungy flickering street lights of the alley. You can hear the buzz of the moths as they circle around the warm glowing globe. Attracted to the light, attracted to the heat, don’t get too close though, or else you’ll burst into flames. The smells of rotting garbage caress the nose of the one who stalks. Corn stalks, wheat stalks, but none in comparison to this man. Standing six feet tall when fully erect, clothed in black cargo pants and black velcro shoes, a white shirt barely visible behind a long flowing black overcoat. Plenty of pockets filled with tools of the trade, a large razor sharp knife more for inflicting fear than anything else. A glock nine millimeter with two extra clips just in case. He’s never used it, but you never know when you might need it. Syringes filled with Etorphine Hydrochloride, allowing our hunter to easily subdue the prey with minimal fuss. The pin prick of the needle is all they feel, then darkness, then nothing. These are the tools of a man who has had enough. These are the tools of a man who has switched career paths, from a lowly office executive with nothing, living paycheck to paycheck in hopes of one day getting the praise he feels he deserves. The new job doesn’t pay as good monetarily, but money isn’t everything. It’s all about the feeling. The feeling of being in complete control of another. Watching the fear in their eyes as the last bit of blood drips from the wound, painting a slippery red mural on the dirty ground. Blood sweat and tears make the world go around. Thirty three percent of each, which leaves that last one percent to chance.

  • Danni tells us all about her surgery. Contrary to popular belief, it actually IS a tumor!
  • Guess who got a catheter? DING!
  • Just pump her full of dilaudid and leave her be. She’ll be fine.
  • Everything’s fucking wrong, what the fuck you think? Probably the worse four hours of her life.
  • What is that milky white substance? Oh right, it’s semen. Semen that will knock you the fuck out.
  • She had like four different procedures at the same time. Cleaned out some endometriosis in the bladder and fallopian tubes, got a few smaller cysts out of the good ovary, and of course, removed the tumor.
  • Danni can be a rancid bitch right after surgery… This is one reason why I was not there.
  • There is probably a good reason they stopped at the eighth shot of dilaudid. We don’t need an overdose right after surgery.
  • Just another day at the office. Worst bed side manner EVER!
  • You can leave as soon as we get the Jackson Pratt tube out of your guts. Best magic trick ever.
  • Redfox calls in and talks about some code purple shit. You ever deal with a patient that’s being a rancid bitch?
  • They had to blow Danni up like a balloon. My beautiful balloooooon!!! It’s called residual pain.
  • I’m a cuddler, until I see gross shit. I won’t touch until she’s all better. I’m nice, that’s why I sleep on the couch.
  • Jesus shows up in the darndest places. Ikea? Really jesus? Well, it’s either Jesus or Gandalf.
  • In other news, the virgin mary shows up in some bird shit. Good job god! Honestly, it looks like a gross vagina to me, but whatever. Birds pooping on your old busted ass vehicles does not constitute a miracle.
  • The most bad ass Laz E Boy ever! Even though it’s a chair, you still should be sober while driving it. You probably would have been ok if you didn’t hit that parked car.
  • Running your daughter over because she has embraced the culture of the country you live in. Derka derka! That’s what you get when you become too westernized. That’s a sweet derka burka!
  • I’m not going back to jail, I’m going out in a blaze of glory. You sick child touching fuck.
  • The youth group head gets in trouble for kid touching. Just because it’s your creepy fuck religion to touch kids, doesn’t mean it’s right. You creepy shadoran fuck.
  • If you speak German, you’ll probably understand our voicemail. The intro for this episode is for you German Bob!

By Finn

Creating dope shit since the chromosome split...

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