Monthly Archives: January 2010

Ep 304: Baby Killing Spree

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“I will make a movie about me, kicking your fucking ass.”

The more I read “God is not Great” by Christopher Hitchens, the more my mind is blown at how people can believe some of the things they believe in. It’s like they stopped caring about what was going on around them five years after they were born, and they haven’t looked back since. He is risen… He is risen indeed! I’ll make you a deal, I’ll start believing in god, but you have to stop using technology. No more cars either. You should probably all just start wearing burkas as well. And blind folds, I wanna see everyone wearing blindfolds. Girls aren’t allowed to vote anymore either, and we get to throw rocks at them if they aren’t virgins. We should all probably go ahead and quit our jobs, that way we can spend more time on our knees, worshiping the deity. AMEN! I’m in… I was at buns on the lake this morning for breakfast with Dana, and there was a table of people who had just gotten done with church. They were joking around about people who go to church, but don’t have faith. They thought it was funny that people would go to church just to be seen as believing in something they do, so they can be part of the super secret magic club. It’s saying, look how quaint these people are, with their wishful thinking and belief in a ghost full of holes. Death and taxes, unless you happen to be a tax exempt religion.

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Ep 303: Tech Support

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“I need fur to express my inner being.”

So it’s that time of year again, when the president addresses this great nation of ours. What I find very amusing about this whole thing, is that he keeps saying things we already know. Let’s get back to work he says. Hey Obama, we’ve been working this whole time, where the fuck have you been? We work our fucking asses off, just to break even. That’s fun right? You say people shouldn’t go bankrupt just because they chose to go to college right? So quit talking, and do something about it. You are the president after all. Now of course, it’s easy to get up in front of the country and talk all this shit about what needs to be done, and how to make things better, but that’s all it is. It’s just talk. Put your money where your mouth is so to speak, and start doing things to make us proud that you are the president. Because I don’t know if you know this or not, but where I live, up here in Montana, people aren’t exactly behind you. If they are behind you, it’s to kick you off the cliff you’ve led us to the top of. The majority of the American people are blind, religious sheep, and if you go over that cliff, you will bring them all with you, which in hindsight, may not be that bad of a thing. You say we need healthcare reform right? So let’s fucking do it! I’m sure by now all of the major health insurance companies have enough money stashed away to live the rest of their lives very comfortably, which is more than I can say for those of us who gave them that money in the first place. It’s the same with the auto industry. They should have made more than enough money in profits since the auto boom back in the day to carry their businesses through this low point. But then they get all this bail out money. That’s pretty fucked up. Maybe, instead of giving them even more money, why not look into the reason they are broke in the first place, then fix it. You can keep on giving them money, but if they keep on spending it on private planes, hookers and blow, it’s not going to help anything. So yea, I’m just saying, fix the shit you say your going to fix, or get the fuck out of the way and let someone else do it.

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Ep 302: Business or Pleasure

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“Dana’s in the bathroom right now, and she wants to blow you.”

I was going to write something completely clever and thought provoking here, but I don’t want to spoil the actual episode too much. Plus because of who we had on as a guest, I’m not really allowed to say anything. I know this is a blog of sorts, but you know how these things are. Basically, we’re on a need to know basis, and you simply don’t need to know. Don’t worry, I don’t really need to know either. The first rule of freelance private sector security consulting, is you don’t talk about freelance private sector security consulting. That’s right, not even on a talk show. You especially don’t write about it on a blog either. Just keep quiet, pretend you never saw or heard this, and stay safe. It’s a crazy world out there.

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Ep 301: Church Punk

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“I should write a parenting book, I hate kids.”

The older I get, the more I start to have massive, blinding realizations about things. Some more obvious than others, always ending up bringing a cheeky grin to my sad weathered face. The latest of these is the whole 21st birthday thing. Probably because just last night we were out celebrating our friend’s 21st birthday. Having a younger brother, and sharing friends with him has given me insight into a couple of younger generations’ thought processes. When I turned 21, I took a little over 21 bong hits, had some friends over, and we all hung out. I never went out drinking to excess or anything like that. If you listen to the show, you’ll know that in my younger years, I never acquired the taste for alcohol. This saved me many MIP’s / DUI’s that people I was hanging out with ended up getting. I think I was too preoccupied with drugs that produced way better and more mind blowing effects and hallucinations than just making ugly chicks look fuckable, or making me feel like I was tougher than reality allowed me to be. It always seems funny to me that when people turn 21, they feel the need to get drunk to the point of near alcohol poisoning, like it’s some new flavor of Kool-Aid they have never tried before, and instead of sugar, it’s filled with meth and cocaine. It’s not like they’ve never had alcohol before, although I’m sure that is the case for some. But in most cases, it’s the first taste of the freedom of being allowed to sit in a bar and get wasted with all the other people who have seemingly given up on life. It’s like a glance into the future. All this misery and more could be yours if you keep on being a raging alcoholic. It almost seems like having a 21 year old drinking age does more harm than good. If kids were allowed to drink like they are in Europe, turning 21 wouldn’t have such an allure to it. It wouldn’t be a tradition to go out and get blackout drunk, it’d be just another birthday. Another year older. It also cracks me up that when you turn 40 or 50, you really start to regret all of the bad things you’ve done to your body in the name of blowing your mind and fucking ugly chicks. Your liver is pretty well done, kidneys done, brain barely able to keep the body in working order, penis sad as fuck. It makes you wonder if that blackout binge when you turned 21 was a good thing, or the reason you are now 53 years old, and dying of liver failure. Oh well, I’m sure by the time these generations make it to 40 or 50, we’ll have replaced failing organs, if not the whole body, with robotic surrogates, so it doesn’t really matter. Personally? I’ll leave the body behind, and live the rest of my days out roaming the ever expanding vastness of the internet. Happy birthday David!

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Ep 300: And Still Shit

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“Do you remember when we got ripped off for buying weed, twice?”

Three hundred episodes in the can, almost two years of doing the jamhole and we’re still going strong. Just make sure you don’t measure how strong we are going by the sound of this episodes Kaboom. Let me give you a little inside insight. For the last forty to fifty episodes, people in the live chat have been asking for Danni to do the Kaboom. Then finally last night, I was going to let her do it. Then we get the idea that rather than Danni herself doing the Kaboom, everyone should do it. Everyone includes Danni, Chris, Odie, and Brayden. So I’m like sure, that sounds good. I sit back as the intro plays, intent on letting everyone else do the Kaboom. What happens after the backspin? Absolute silence. Along with achieving three hundred episode spartan status, I believe we also have one of the jamhole’s most awkward silences ever. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. It has been an honor bringing you all over five hundred hours of jamhole goodness. Thank you all for helping us grow this show into what it has become, and we look forward to bringing you at least three hundred more episodes. Keep supporting the show, spreading the word, interacting, and staying sexy, and we’ll keep making fun of stuff, and talking shit.

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Ep 299: Purple Rabbit

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“Alright dude, I gotta go home, fuck mat and do the show.”

There are fewer things in life more frustrating than a great plan gone horribly wrong.

I have had so much sex in the last 10 days, I fear my penis has run away.

If you see my penis, give her my regards.

I will not give in.

Ahem…
Your twat is red
my dick black and blue
I am an asshole
and so are you.

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Ep 298: Menopause

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“You came, and then you walked away.”

I wonder how much money people get paid to be on a show like hoarders. What would your limit be if someone paid you to live like a complete and utter slob? I think for me it would have to be at least 6 to 7 figures, depending on the length of time. You basically put your whole life out there, like judgement day, allowing the masses to see exactly how horrible your life has become. We love it. We love watching how horrible and shitty other peoples lives have gotten. It makes us feel that much better about how sad and pitiful our own lives have become. I intend to do it, therefore I have done it. Poor words to live by. These people suffer from over consumerism. They are doing exactly what the government states is a perfect citizen, only they don’t know when to stop. You took to heart the immortal words from the bumper sticker about having the most stuff when you die. Well guess what, you didn’t win did you? You give jobs to people who’s title is Professional Organizer. In what kind of society do people need to hire a person to organize all their shit? That is very sad to me. When I have too much time to sit and get all inside my head about shit, I tend to get very sad at how the world thinks and acts. I wish everyone would take the time to look at themselves and what they are doing. Because we’re doing it all wrong. I’m very depressed that my life isn’t lived out on Pandora. I am very depressed about the fact that Pandora is so beautiful in it’s complexity, but fake in it’s reality. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes, because I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be Navi.

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Ep 297: Third World Shithole

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“Fox news flash, you’re the retard.”

Do you realize that having a hundred different versions of the same bullshit belief system is NOT a good thing? It wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that they all contradict each other, which leads me to believe that they are all bullshit. Especially if you use that logical scientific mind “god” supposedly gave you to think about it. All of the scientific evidence about the world we live in goes against most things the bible says. The funny thing is that we can have a lot of different scientific theories, but the ones that contradict other ones get tested, and the truth comes out. All you religious nuts do is say that you know your belief system is the right one, and when asked how they know, they respond with the faith cop out. I love it how some churches are giving money to Haiti, while other churches are saying that it was god’s will that Haiti got struck with an earthquake. So which is it guys? Are some of your brothers giving money to help the very same people that god just got finished smiting? Or are they just misguided? I know, hows about you are all misguided, and taking advantage of people so you can sucker them out of their money. Money, that by the way, you pay NO taxes on. Way to give back to the communities you are bleeding dry, just so you can have a nicer car, a more luxurious place to live, and an even bigger church to fill with even more people to take advantage of. You take the responsibility off of the individual, and place it on some made up deity, and some how that makes people feel better. “Well, if I’m such a fuck up, I guess that’s the way god made me.” You people animals disgust me. What’s worse, is that you have managed to brainwash these people so bad, that they will actually defend the people who are stealing from them. It’s a sick sort of Stockholm syndrome. If your god is so powerful, where the fuck is he? Oh right, it’s all a game, how convenient. I’m sure he’s very busy with trying to micro mange the universe. Open your eyes people, you are all being scammed.

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Ep 296: Sperm Wars

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“I’m never licking your taint again.”

Sarah Palin on fox? Hahahaha, that seriously confirmed the image  I had in my mind’s eye when people said the words Fox News. Sarah fucking Palin. I would totally be all for it if she was replacing glenn beck, or some other woman, but she is a fucking news analyst? Does she even know how to spell analyst? You can’t spell analyst without anal, so maybe she does. Maybe her and Bill Oreilly can come out with a sex tape together… Throw in some Larry King with a side of Andy Rooney, gangbang style, and you got yourself a program. If I was a rich, rich man, I would make commercials like that. Just a big fucking orgy with all of the droning voices of hidda hadda herda amercia’s favorite personalities. I hate that I am related, associated, and affiliated with human beings who think this retard is going to make positive changes in the world. She is a fucking retard, and you can take me to court for saying that, because I have indisputable evidence that this woman has retard in her blood. Maybe it’s a ploy by the government, and they are going to kill everyone who tunes in to watch her. Kind of like what they tried to do with Aids, but more effective. If you watch this woman on tv and nod your head like you understand what the fuck she is saying, you are going to get killed by the american government. Because you are a retard. At the very least I think some liberal spaying and neutering should take place. ( NO PUN ) Then again, I think some conservative spaying and neutering should also take place. ( PUN )

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Ep 295: Shelter Island

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“Stay the fuck off of my 92.7.”

In all my years being connected to the internet, I’ve seen my fair share of fucked up shit. It usually comes in the form of a stretched out asshole with shit all over it, or a horse cock penetrating a human male to death, or a glass getting broken inside a human male’s asshole, you get the picture. I was reading through my latest google news page, when I came across this little gem. If you can’t click the link, let me give you the gist of it. Basically it’s a robot sex doll who just so happens to be artificially intelligent. Her name is RoXXXy. No pun intended. What really rubbed me awkwardly about this little robot sex vixen, is the basis and inspiration of her creator. Douglas Hines says the inspiration for RoXXXy comes from a friend who died during the September 11th attacks. Ok, so let me get this straight, you created an artificially intelligent sex doll because you lost a friend in 9/11? I don’t know about you, but that gives me the fucking creeps. Apparently Mr. Hines set out to create an autonomous robot humanoid to allow his friends children to grow up with somewhat of a father figure, but because of how the market was, he ended up creating a sex doll. You kind of went the other way with that didn’t you. From father figure to motherly cum receptacle. I guess the market really does dictate invention. I mean let’s be honest, what good is a doll unless it has a couple of holes to fuck? (She cums with three). Exactly, not very good at all. The robot comes with five customizable personalities ( Frigid Farrah, Wild Wendy, S&M Susan, Young and Mature Martha), as well as the capability to program your own. The base model starts at $7,000. I don’t know about you, but for that much money, I could find something a lot more attractive and interactive to stick my dick in. But, rich people do have weird fetishes, so who knows. If you start seeing these things wandering around, it’s time to kick the HUAR plan into full speed. This is the beginning of the end of humanity. I’m calling that shit right now.

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