Tag Archives: swine flu

Ep 255: Crack the Nuts

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“Every time she would say something I would just start humping her.”

So I was just outside smoking, in two inches of snow, and it occurred to me. Fuck it’s cold out here. Looks like the big swine flu hype is back, and the big deal about it now is whether or not to get the vaccine. You can get the vaccine, and risk complete government take over of your entire body, little tiny rfid chips floating around in your blood stream, telling the government where you are and what you’re doing at all times, seizures, headaches, runny nose, fever and probably a wicked bad case of the shits. Or you can not take the vaccine and risk complete neural system shutdown, seizures, headaches, runny nose, fever, and probably a wicked bad case of the shits, also resulting in your sad faced demise. It sounds like we’re finally completely fucked. I would like to make this offer to anyone who may be worried about sad faced demise, whether it be from totally natural causes, or from the H1Nword. You can send me all of your money, your cars, houses, safety deposit boxes, totally hot girlfriends (As long as they are not infected), computers, ipods, flat panels, etc… Any of that shit you have that you don’t want to go to waste, send it on over. Thank you. Oh right, and one more thing, the swine flu is all in your heads. It’s what I’ve dubbed the Remote Astral Placebo Effect or R.A.P.E. Basically, all you retards got so worked up and worried over nothing, you are actually on your way to starting the worlds first placebo pandemic. Of course none of this could have been possible without the help of the international media companies and the pharmaceutical companies. So, some of you were partially correct. But all of you are completely to blame. Don’t forget your masks!

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Ep 253: Pull Out

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“Why is my weed dealer selling birth control now?”

I’ve been in love with words since we first met. When I was old enough to know what a words worth, I took a trip to the dictionary and that’s when I knew I was hooked. You looking perfectly beautiful, your eyes dotted with a shade of blue that offers a collective glimpse into the seven seas of your soul. Your tease crossed my heart, making my pants put up a tent in an anxious attempt at roughing it. Each period more bold than the previous, each curvy comma pausing my heart beat for what seems like an eternity, while giving me a chance to catch the breath I give you every time our eyes meet. You flow with the same grace the oceans waves roll in, bringing a promise of dissolved solids, salty water and kelp, rolling back out to make their deposit into the great ocean basin. I hasten my heart beat until I can visualize each letter forming each word I carefully choose to describe each situation I find myself in. Your cursive handwriting turns me on, and if I look careful enough, I can still see your mark on the palm of my hand. Seven digits, one hyphen dividing the set of three from the set of four. I gather my words and scatter them on the floor, like magnets arranged on the fridge door saying things like “Tell great men life is important, but favor is often misunderstood at the doorstep.”

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