Tag Archives: fuck my life

TJH 662: The Department Bicycle

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“If you see the flash of light, duck and cover.”

What me worry? It’s just another Saturday cold chilling with your homies in earthquake free Jamholia. If the ground is shaking, that just means we’re out there getting our humpty hump on with the big bad world. We hope you enjoyed the last episode with Pat Dixon. It’s always good talking to people far funnier than we are. Lot’s of fun happening here as we prepare to start festival season. May 1st – 3rd is the Spring Barter Faire up in Tonasket Washington. This is definitely an experience everyone should trip into at least once in their lives. If you wanna come kick it, holla! Other than that, keep checking out Stuff Stoners Like for all the fun weed stuff I’m writing about, and we’ll talk to you soon!

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TJH 627: RAAAAWWWWWRRRR

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“Then I got all angry at everything, for no reason.”

What’s going on Jamholia? It’s Friday which means it’s time for another episode of our weekly comedy podcast! Join myself, Puffer and Robby as we try to make sense of this crazy world we live in, one fucked up story at a time. This Friday happens to be special, at least to the millions of people who suffer from the fear of Friday the 13th aka friggatriskaidekaphobia. Yeah, that’s a real thing, and I pronounce the fuck out of it. listen to the show and you’ll see. Also, I should just throw this out there. If you are going to spout off some crazy shit on Facebook, realize that it only makes you look more crazy. That’s all I’m going to say about that. There’s a reason I ignore you. Keep on reading for some show notes and we’ll see you next week.

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Ep 289: The Christmas Cheer

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“I mowed down a tree because it was pissing me off.”

The presents have all been opened, the carefully cut and taped wrapping paper that once hid the anticipation and surprise from the unsuspecting eyes of those who would be the recipients, now lays in heaping crumpled mounds inside our trash cans, awaiting their final trip to once again become one with the ground. The ground will barely recognize the wrapping paper. What was once a life giving tree, roots firmly planted in the dirt, along with it’s companions, holding the planet together, is now a colorfully unrecognizable, clinquant, chemically treated mess, one second treated with the utmost care, looked at with adoring eyes, the next ripped to shreds and discarded without a second thought.  Festive alcoholic drinks and copious amounts of food consumed ad nauseum. It’s a holiday celebration after all, and that means we gorge ourselves past the point of complete satisfaction, until our already oversized stomachs seemingly burst at the seams, our arteries becoming clogged like a rush hour traffic jam, our hearts no longer able to get the oxygen rich blood to the organs that need it most, causing our already ridiculous health insurance rates to get even higher.

We are a fast living, high risk, unhealthy, apathetic society, and for that, we will pay the ultimate price. The credit cards we depend on to live the life we want, the life we think we deserve, rather than the life we can actually afford, the life that has been created by all the tiny insignificant choices we have made thus far, have all been swiped and taken to their limits, giving us another reason to work shitty awful jobs, wasting our lives away to make a better standard of living for someone else. That’s right, another christmas comes and goes for the inhabitants of this wonderful world we live in. I love how most of us cherish this holiday with all our hearts and minds, with our very soul. This silly day that was started by those in charge (the church), way back in about the 4th century, for one reason, or set of beliefs, but throughout the millenia, is now celebrated with a completely different meaning. I mean of course, the christians will always consider it their flagship holiday, the celebration of their lord and savoir’s birthday. But to the rest of the world who doesn’t believe in that, its just another day you gave special meaning to because of something that happened way before any of us, or our ancestors, were alive to remember. For all we know, it never happened, or at least not the way they tell you it did. You see, the christians have a bad habit of taking bits and pieces of all the other, much older religions of the world, and making it their own. I mean fuck, at least L. Ron Hubbard had the inspiration and the drive to come up with something totally original for his silly little belief system people now call a religion.

What you all believe in as modern day Christianity, is really just a large washed out conglomerate of the very early religions. Of course, the names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent of course, but once you get past the new design theme template, its the same old boring stuff made up to explain things we didn’t understand. We don’t call them “gods” now, we call it science. Although, if science had the same drama and pizzaz that the greek gods had, we’d all be just fine. Why do we have such great science, that we can describe with great accuracy the processes that make up the world we live in? How can we explain now what was once explained then with the use of personified gods? Because we have rational thinking minds capable of thinking very brilliant, bewildering ideas, and the longer we’re on the planet for, the more we will evolve these minds into thinking and creating great ideas. Now, who gave us a mind that works like this in the first place? Some say we’ve evolved from lower forms of it, some say it’s god. All I know is that the science for evolutionary theory is pretty sound, and is being pioneered by some of the most brilliant minds ever to ponder their own existence origins, and most of you would agree with that.

But, even with our modern day technology and sensitive measuring instruments, we can only go back so far. I firmly believe the longer we are allowed to evolve and grow on this planet, that one day we will get to the point where we figure out exactly how everything came into existence. I also believe that if we just say that god put us here, and end it at that, we would never have gotten out of the caves. I’m also very afraid that if things keep going the way they are going, we will never have a chance to see that. So help me if you fuck this up for the rest of us, and we don’t get answers to philosophy’s great questions, or at least get some cool Ray Kurzweil technological advancements happening, before you all destroy the world, I am going to find you and seriously fuck  up the afterlife you believe is there. I’ve been baptized and confirmed motherfuckers, don’t fuck with me. If god ends up really existing, I’m going to heaven, and don’t think I won’t remember who helped the world along down the path of global suicide it seems so eager to follow. Do not fuck this up for the rest of us just because you are a greedy, power hungry son of a bitch. If you end up in heaven and I see you, and it’s your fault the world ended before I got to really see some cool shit, I am eternally fucking your shit up!

So what would it take to create a mind that was aware it was created? Then the mind will try to figure out where it came from. That seems to be a running theme with being self aware. Unless you created the mind so it was unable to figure out where it came from, or incapable, or indifferent to the matter. Like if you used a plus 5 Wool Over Eyes spell or something. But if that were the case, then something would have had to create it that way. Something had to be there to cast the spell. You would say that god (insert your deity here) created it. The fact that we have a mind that allows us, and encourages us to figure out out how our reality works and why it works the way it does. The very idea that we can ponder our existence, and our origins, tells me that we were not created by a god. Unless that god wanted us to eventually find him one day, he would not have given us the ability to do so. I’m not sure how we got to self aware mind from talking about christmas, but anyways, to bring it back to the reason for the season…

I also find it weird and suspect, that Jesus has the only birthday in the history of human beings in which we give each other presents, rather than the person who was “born.” How pist would you be if on your birthday, everyone gave each other gifts instead of you? Especially if you died for their sins! I mean seriously, how ungrateful can you possibly get? If your still reading this, you must be as high as I am, so now, on to the notes…

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Ep 233: Prawns!

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“How many alien jokes could you fit in here you faggot?”

You push it in, you pull it out, you repeat. How long can this go on for before you just wanna pull it in, then push it out, then blow your fucking brains out all over the place? As humans we are known for loving a good solid routine. But, some of us have evolved high functioning brains that let us know when some shit is about to go down, and then it’s time to cut losses and get the fuck out. The only problem is, you can’t. You’re trapped, attached to the cell of your own design by the proverbial ball and chain. Every single solitary human being has a ball and chain on the leg in one form or another. Like I said earlier, some of us have the capability and the intellectual prowess to figure out how to cut the chain off. On the other hand, if you haven’t figured that out by now, you’ll probably just end up hanging yourself with it.

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Ep 225: Old Faithful

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“This is kinda like a dildo.”

Oh come all ye faithful, blindly marching off to war. My life seems like an endless struggle, and as we all know, when too much tension is placed on the rope, eventually the rope snaps. I snap each and every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It’s like my mind is a porn star, and disgust is the orgasm. All day, every day. You would think that in these dire times of economic downturn and turmoil, people would come together and remember the lessons they were taught in the early years of school. Share and share alike, and don’t forget the golden rule. Greed runs rampant in a world where power determines status. Everyone should have pulled out, but the fact of the matter is, we’ve all been sucked in. As seen on tv is the stamp we all wear proudly. Reality television is killing brain cells like the new modern age holocaust chain mail. That’s why sometimes the sane fail. We are all jews simmering in the stew of our own filth and negligence. We all live in sad states, united under one huge flaming false hope that one day we will indeed get our fifteen minutes of fame. Oh come all ye faithful, place your money in the offering baskets as ushers come around to collect your intelligence, only to be replaced by stories of hellfire and brimstone and the empty threat of some fictional character torturing a made up part of something that used to resemble our souls. We are all sugar coated shells of our former selves. Remember the past or your god will damn you. Can you break the cycle of shit stuck on the bottom of your damn shoe? I command you, and before you leave think about the fact that the only reason it’s called faith is because the word lie was already taken, and when you lay down in your bed tonight remember everything you have ever been taught that has to do with religion is a lie. It’s called faith because you can’t prove it, because you can’t back it up with any kind of scientific evidence, because if you call a spade a spade, they would all go to jail for extortion, murder, misleading the blind, and tearing apart the very fabric of society by turning humanity on itself again and again in the name of the father and of the son and of holy shit. Open your eyes and see what the fuck is going on. We have names for organizations that use scare tactics in the name of getting more followers. It’s called a cult. A cult classic, the oldest scam in the book, and I’m ashamed to share genes with the ones that have fallen for it. Open your eyes, if you need something to believe in, believe in yourself, or in humanity that eventually we will once again find our way. We are the future. Evolve a little, for the sake of the greater good. You’ll thank me later.

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Ep 214: Crappie

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“Call me a bitch but I’m just not into that.”

So there we were, sitting on a boat with Richard Dreyfuss, Roy Scheider, and Robert Shaw, drinking whiskey, telling each other tales of near death situations involving large angry sea creatures and old shitty boats, and showing the scars to prove it. The Orca’s old wood creaking and moaning from the swell of the ocean in a rhythmic vibration that matched my own steady heart beat. Thump thump… Thump thump… I’ll have another shot please, and this time, don’t skimp on the booze. That Robert Shaw sure can drink, damn near drank us under the table that night. Until I awoke in a cold sweat, nearly pissing my pants from the liquid consumed the night before. So I got out of bed doing my best not to disturb my sleeping girlfriend laying next to me, her heart also beating, a synchronicity I refuse to overlook. After releasing my waste into the pipes that would take it to the heart of the city, only to be recycled and redistributed as some poor souls drinking water, I noticed it staring at me. Every time I glance in that general direction, it’s staring at me with those bedroom eyes. The fleshlight beckoned me over, and who am I to resist the dark rubbery temptress of the night? My inner loins ached, and I could feel my own flesh starting to throb, my own heart beating faster and faster, my lust growing with the anticipation of what was about to happen. The fleshlight had somehow already lubed itself up, an odd fact that I was willing to worry about at a later date. I entered the fleshlights moist tight hole, and holy fuck did it feel good. That’s when I awoke from the dream, soaking wet with what appeared to be a mixture of urine and semen, my dick somehow in the midst of humping a wadded up section of sheets and blanket, my girlfriend looming over me with eyes that said, “You just pissed and ejaculated on me and the bed we share, and I’m very unhappy because of it.” Thump thump… Thump thump… Thump thump…

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Ep 205: Fandom

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“We’re going to need a semen sample for that.”

Ok, usually I try to write something clever and witty, but seeings how Danni had to distract the holy living fuck out of me, we’re going to skip all that shit. Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you, show notes for episode 205.

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