Tag Archives: dick surgery

Ep 271: Valroids

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“I gave you an¬†artificial¬†erection, to make sure that the stitches would hold.”

The healing time begins. Everything seems weird to me now, like I’m watching it from above, play out below me. Sure I can interact with it, but sometimes it’s more fun to just sit back and watch. I’m not sure how long this lasts for, maybe its the dream state created by the pain meds, maybe it’s the way my body is choosing to deal with the trauma. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. I’m not looking forward to going back to work, but we all gotta make money. The three day weekend was nice, but like all good things, it comes to an end. It needs to. If we were constantly on vacation, that would turn into work, and it wouldn’t be as fun. You’ll see what I’m talking about. Wearing the jock strap became more uncomfortable than it was worth, so I took it off. You were all laughing at me anyways, so I didn’t think it mattered.

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Ep 257: Best Produced

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“I don’t believe in evidence, I believe in magic and rainbows.”

The world teeters on the brink of complete destruction as we quickly approach a total world population of seven billion people. I feel like this might be a tad too many for our planet to support. The scary thing is, that even though we know we are running out of space, resources, and patience, people still insist on reproducing to an extreme degree. I know that everyone thinks the whole point of life is to have as many children as you possibly can before your dick falls off and your womb dries out, but if we want to really survive the fast approaching complete break down of society as we know it, some changes have to be made. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but maybe it’s time people stop having four, five, and even six kids per family. Maybe just for now, until we figure out where to put all you animals, we try to limit ourselves to one child, two at the maximum. We have made amazing breakthroughs in birth control, so don’t worry, you can still fuck till your little heart is content without giving birth once a year. Please, for the future of the children you all have already brought into this world, and for the rest of us who will live quite happy lives not having any children, stifle your seed. Either wrap it up, or feed that vagina some birth control. Your planet will thank you. If, of course, you decide not to heed my warning, then you can expect more pandemics to run wild in our society. Let’s just call it natures way of auto balancing the load.

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Ep 246: Bang Bang!

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“Those are blanks, right?”

In a civilized world, parents don’t shoot their kids trying to kill them. Unless of course, the kid is trying to kill the parents. But in a civilized world, the kids should never kill the parents. It does happen, and probably more than you think. That means either this is not a civilized world, or every now and then shit happens. This is the story of one of those times that shit happens. It’s more fucked up for me personally because I know the kid, but I’m sure that is nothing compared with having your own father try to kill you. The sad thing is, the kid is going to be fucked up from this for quite some time still, but the father will probably be back home after a weak charge and even weaker prosecuting attorney in court. I guess that also falls under the category of shit happens. Hey dickface, parents are supposed to help their children in hopes they can live a little better. What you did was the complete opposite. Not only have you stopped your son’s forward progress, but you’ve actually gone so far as to set him back years and years. I’m nominating you, Tim Withrow Sr., for the worst parent in the universe contest. Any good you may have done in your son’s life has completely been reversed. You did a very horrible thing. What you did is like sad kittens, and ask Danni, that’s pretty sad.

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Ep 243: So Sorry

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“I look down at my dick and my dick looks up at me and I just start laughing, uncontrollably.”

I hate when it’s really quiet in the room, and I’m staring at my computer, and all of the sudden I can hear the cat licking itself. I look at the cat in disgust and I’m like, “Hey cat, can you do that somewhere else?” The cat looks at me, for what feels like one long drawn out awkward moment, winks at me, then goes right back to licking itself. I’m like “Seriously cat wtf? Do you really feel it necessary to lick yourself while sitting next to me?” Fucking cats. Don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather have a cat than a dog, but in all honesty, this cat is really starting to piss me off. I’ll be sitting there jerking off, and the fucking cat comes out of nowhere and tries to pounce on my shit and I’m all like “WTF cat!?!?! I’m just trying to jerk off, leave me the fuck alone.” Fucking cats. I think instead of giving the 120 gig ipod away, I’ll put the cat in a box and send that to the winner. That’s well worth five bucks an entry. I’m just kidding, I would never do that. I would however, add the cat to the 120 gig ipod as an extra free super awesome bonus. That’s a fantastic idea. Anyway, I wonder what it would feel like to take a bath on the couch. That’s all the cat is really doing. Just sitting here not giving a fuck about anything, licking the holy fuck out of myself, on your couch. I don’t pay rent, I don’t even pitch in for food. I don’t even clean my own shit out of my own fucking litter box! Do you know why? Because I’m a motherfucking cat, bitch!

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