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Ep 290: Grammar, Penis, and Pussy

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“I don’t need to hear you, I just need to see those titties.”

On account of my rather lengthy essay on Christmas and why religion sucks in general on the show notes for episode 289, I’m going to keep this brief. I’m sure most of you didn’t read that anyways, so when you read this and see that I am not really writing anything, you can go back and read that. All I really wanted to say is Wednesday will be the last Jamhole episode of 2009, and of the decade. What can you look forward to from us this next decade? A shitload of episodes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, lots of laughs, videos, live audience shows, hip hop albums, and overall awesomeness you’ve come to expect from us. I’m very excited to see where Moore’s law takes us technologically in the upcoming decade. Please, can you do me a huge favor? Don’t call it the aughts whatever you do. That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. If you do decide to call it the aughts, I would seriously consider firing whoever came up with that name, because they were clearly fucking with you. In closing, I would just like to thank all of you who have donated your money, time, and support to us. You guys are what keeps this show going. We really do appreciate it. Keep telling your friends about The Jamhole, keep donating, keep rating and subscribing to us on Itunes, not only on your computer, but all of your friends computers as well. Keep participating in the forums and the comments on the show notes. Please, if you are new, and you just want to say hi, send an email to info@thejamhole.com and let us know you’re out there listening, and you enjoy what we’re doing here. Thank you, and we’ll see you Wednesday.

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Ep 289: The Christmas Cheer

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“I mowed down a tree because it was pissing me off.”

The presents have all been opened, the carefully cut and taped wrapping paper that once hid the anticipation and surprise from the unsuspecting eyes of those who would be the recipients, now lays in heaping crumpled mounds inside our trash cans, awaiting their final trip to once again become one with the ground. The ground will barely recognize the wrapping paper. What was once a life giving tree, roots firmly planted in the dirt, along with it’s companions, holding the planet together, is now a colorfully unrecognizable, clinquant, chemically treated mess, one second treated with the utmost care, looked at with adoring eyes, the next ripped to shreds and discarded without a second thought.  Festive alcoholic drinks and copious amounts of food consumed ad nauseum. It’s a holiday celebration after all, and that means we gorge ourselves past the point of complete satisfaction, until our already oversized stomachs seemingly burst at the seams, our arteries becoming clogged like a rush hour traffic jam, our hearts no longer able to get the oxygen rich blood to the organs that need it most, causing our already ridiculous health insurance rates to get even higher.

We are a fast living, high risk, unhealthy, apathetic society, and for that, we will pay the ultimate price. The credit cards we depend on to live the life we want, the life we think we deserve, rather than the life we can actually afford, the life that has been created by all the tiny insignificant choices we have made thus far, have all been swiped and taken to their limits, giving us another reason to work shitty awful jobs, wasting our lives away to make a better standard of living for someone else. That’s right, another christmas comes and goes for the inhabitants of this wonderful world we live in. I love how most of us cherish this holiday with all our hearts and minds, with our very soul. This silly day that was started by those in charge (the church), way back in about the 4th century, for one reason, or set of beliefs, but throughout the millenia, is now celebrated with a completely different meaning. I mean of course, the christians will always consider it their flagship holiday, the celebration of their lord and savoir’s birthday. But to the rest of the world who doesn’t believe in that, its just another day you gave special meaning to because of something that happened way before any of us, or our ancestors, were alive to remember. For all we know, it never happened, or at least not the way they tell you it did. You see, the christians have a bad habit of taking bits and pieces of all the other, much older religions of the world, and making it their own. I mean fuck, at least L. Ron Hubbard had the inspiration and the drive to come up with something totally original for his silly little belief system people now call a religion.

What you all believe in as modern day Christianity, is really just a large washed out conglomerate of the very early religions. Of course, the names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent of course, but once you get past the new design theme template, its the same old boring stuff made up to explain things we didn’t understand. We don’t call them “gods” now, we call it science. Although, if science had the same drama and pizzaz that the greek gods had, we’d all be just fine. Why do we have such great science, that we can describe with great accuracy the processes that make up the world we live in? How can we explain now what was once explained then with the use of personified gods? Because we have rational thinking minds capable of thinking very brilliant, bewildering ideas, and the longer we’re on the planet for, the more we will evolve these minds into thinking and creating great ideas. Now, who gave us a mind that works like this in the first place? Some say we’ve evolved from lower forms of it, some say it’s god. All I know is that the science for evolutionary theory is pretty sound, and is being pioneered by some of the most brilliant minds ever to ponder their own existence origins, and most of you would agree with that.

But, even with our modern day technology and sensitive measuring instruments, we can only go back so far. I firmly believe the longer we are allowed to evolve and grow on this planet, that one day we will get to the point where we figure out exactly how everything came into existence. I also believe that if we just say that god put us here, and end it at that, we would never have gotten out of the caves. I’m also very afraid that if things keep going the way they are going, we will never have a chance to see that. So help me if you fuck this up for the rest of us, and we don’t get answers to philosophy’s great questions, or at least get some cool Ray Kurzweil technological advancements happening, before you all destroy the world, I am going to find you and seriously fuck  up the afterlife you believe is there. I’ve been baptized and confirmed motherfuckers, don’t fuck with me. If god ends up really existing, I’m going to heaven, and don’t think I won’t remember who helped the world along down the path of global suicide it seems so eager to follow. Do not fuck this up for the rest of us just because you are a greedy, power hungry son of a bitch. If you end up in heaven and I see you, and it’s your fault the world ended before I got to really see some cool shit, I am eternally fucking your shit up!

So what would it take to create a mind that was aware it was created? Then the mind will try to figure out where it came from. That seems to be a running theme with being self aware. Unless you created the mind so it was unable to figure out where it came from, or incapable, or indifferent to the matter. Like if you used a plus 5 Wool Over Eyes spell or something. But if that were the case, then something would have had to create it that way. Something had to be there to cast the spell. You would say that god (insert your deity here) created it. The fact that we have a mind that allows us, and encourages us to figure out out how our reality works and why it works the way it does. The very idea that we can ponder our existence, and our origins, tells me that we were not created by a god. Unless that god wanted us to eventually find him one day, he would not have given us the ability to do so. I’m not sure how we got to self aware mind from talking about christmas, but anyways, to bring it back to the reason for the season…

I also find it weird and suspect, that Jesus has the only birthday in the history of human beings in which we give each other presents, rather than the person who was “born.” How pist would you be if on your birthday, everyone gave each other gifts instead of you? Especially if you died for their sins! I mean seriously, how ungrateful can you possibly get? If your still reading this, you must be as high as I am, so now, on to the notes…

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Ep 287: Naggers

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“I want everything to be awesome, I wanna try ecstasy.”

First of all, I would like to apologize for getting thrown off my game during this episode. It’s hard to concentrate on what I’m trying to say when we have little jack fuck pud pounders in the chat spamming the word “Naggers” over and over again. Feel free to drop by his profile and leave him a comment. He may be able to get away with that kind of shit with some of these other shows, but this is the jamhole, and we have people that are bad asses when it comes to dealing with this kind of shit. I understand we talk a lot of shit, and sometimes, some of that shit is going to get blown back in our faces. I also understand that we do our shows on ustream, and second to youtube, there is a lot of bored kids just looking to mess with random people. What he doesn’t know is that I have his IP address now, (208.67.216.132) and we can mess with him a lot more than he messed with us. I’m just a little sad kittens that because of this, I didn’t really get to say what I wanted to say, and the show sounded rough. I guess I have to keep in mind that after doing over 280 episodes, not all of them are going to be brilliant. That’s my OCD for you. Anyways, last nights show just felt off to me. On top of the spammer, then Ustream disconnects on us right when things got back on track. Few things in this world annoy me more than when I’m trying to do a show, and the technology we use has problems. I guess it was due time. We’ve had a great run on Ustream, and it’s been a while since it really fucked us like that. Nothing is perfect in this online world we live in, I just need to learn to accept it, deal with it, and move on. By the way, I’ve started recording our live shows on ustream again, so if you missed it, you can go back and check the archives of the main camera. Good stuff.

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Ep 286: Baby Shit Myself

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“I just gave birth to the newest cat toy.”

It’s very late on a Sunday night, so I’m going to keep this brief. We watched the movie Avatar today, and I have to say, this being my first 3D movie, I was very blown away by how beautiful it looked. Then again, if I spent around five hundred million dollars making a movie, I would hope that it looked amazing. I’m talking nothing short of the second coming of jesus fucking christ mind blowing here. In all honesty, it would have been nice to see an original idea, but who are we kidding anymore? We are to the point where we have pretty well exhausted all ideas ever. Unless you are sitting around doing massive amounts of DMT or mushrooms, or LSD, chances are, you aren’t going to come up with anything original. It is cool to see modern age takes on old ideas, especially with how far we’ve come with our technology. I was kind of pist that we had to sit in the second row back from the front, especially once the front row started to fill up with swine flu coughing, screaming, talking, annoying, smelly fucking kids. Oh well, you can’t win them all. If you could, life wouldn’t be near as fun or interesting. I have to say, in closing, a friend of mine on twitter had it right when he said it’s just a bunch of over grown smurfs. Minus the mushroom houses, and the stupid white hats. Plus, the female blue monkeys were really fucking hot. Was I the only one in the theater who kept trying to catch a glimpse of their blue titties and vaginal area? Of course not. You know you all were looking.

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Ep 283: The Chosen People

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“Nothing I like more than huffing nail polish fumes and listening to the 700 club.”

So I finally caught the first three episodes of this new phenomenon sweeping our nation called Jersey Shores. My first thought upon watching this Mtv amtrak trainwreck was holy fucking shit, are these people for real? I guess living in Montana for so long, I’ve been lucky enough to shelter myself from large cities where you might find these kinds of people. When I say people, trust me, I use the term in the loosest fashion. Now I have a couple of things here I want to say about this. First of all, I’m blown away that people like this actually exist, and have been able to survive on this planet long enough to actually become old enough to fuck chicks, thus in turn keeping the guido bloodline alive and well. It just goes to show you that in order to survive in our new modern age of convenience, you don’t need any rational thought whatsoever. Survival of the fittest has turned into survival of, I don’t even know what the fuck to call it.  All it takes is money, and these retards just so happen to be lucky enough to be born into families that seem to have money taken care of. It’s kind of like a lottery of sorts. The second thing I wanted to say about Jersey Shores is this. Does Mtv know people are watching this show solely to make fun of it? I mean, I understand that regardless of the reason behind why people watch, all that matters is that they are watching it, but could there possibly be people out there that watch this show because they are truly interested in this whole guido / guidette lifestyle? The simple fact that my spell check doesn’t understand these two words, and underlines them with the little red squiggly, makes me think that it’s just a stupid made up thing that will hopefully, go away with time. My main concern is that this doesn’t turn into another 8 mile problem. If you aren’t aware of the 8 mile effect, let me break it down for you real quick. When the movie 8 mile came out, it created with it a whole subset genre of kids who all of the sudden thought they could rap, and it flooded myspace and youtube with a shit ton of these untalented retards all trying to make it in the hip hop game. I really hope that Jersey Shores doesn’t create a subset culture of kids who think its cool to act like these gelled hair guido douche bags. Please, I like to think that kids have more sense than this, but history says otherwise. It’s things like this that make me think the whole 2012 thing might not be that far off. Don’t get me wrong, the world isn’t going to end because of a polar shift due to planetary alignment or anything silly like that, but it might end because of how many retards are running around fucking shit up. We are vastly approaching the point of no return, I only hope people can pull their heads out of their asses in time to see it.

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Ep 282: Rape Child

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“I can’t strip to this.”

There’s something wrong with the world today, I don’t know what it is. Oh wait a minute, yes I do. I have a long list of shit that seriously needs to stop happening before we can continue to evolve as a society, as a species, and as individual human beings. First and foremost, this under age teen pregnancy shit has got to stop. There is nothing fun about having kids, unless you consider wrecking the holy fuck out of your twat / stomach / sex life / life in general, fun. Or spending over $10,000 in the first year alone, or waking up at all hours of the night to a screaming pile of tears, piss and shit fun. I don’t know what your definition of fun is, but that is not mine. I honestly don’t see the appeal of having to deal with something like that for the next 18 to 30 years of my life. No thanks. Honestly, I don’t think you could pay me enough money to deal with that type of shit. Plus, have you seen how many people we have managed to pack onto this little planet of ours? We are almost at seven BILLION people! That is completely fucking ridiculous and unacceptable. We have gotten lazy, fat, apathetic, and pathetic as a culture, and the more time goes by, the more we are showing signs of these sad physical and mental problems. Every day I’m out in the thick of it, dealing with these fucking retards, and I see that look of self entitlement on the faces of damn near every person I pass by, and it makes me want to punch them right in their stolid smug faces. Perhaps it’s more blatant up here in the Flathead Valley because there is such a strong, blind religious following. These people love to breed uncontrollably, are against abortion, are the biggest self righteous hypocrites you’ll ever cross paths with, and above all else, place the blame for their fucked up lives not on themselves, but on their made up invisible friends. If life is good, then it’s god making it good and answering their prayers. If life is shit, then it’s satan fucking with them. I love this valley a lot. It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived, but the people here leave much to be desired, both on an intellectual level, and on a nice human being level. Tune in next episode as we continue to go through the list of why shit is all fucked up. This is chapter one.

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Ep 280: Fear

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“Yea, they fuck sheep and stuff, so…”

Today I took a stroll around the writer’s block, needing to go out for some fresh air. The air was chilly, the clouds hung in place like large cottony fluff. Don’t step on a crack, or else you break your mother’s back. I wonder what happens if you smoke it? Does her back catch on fire? Avoid walking under ladders because some how you will ruin your whole day. Further down the block I saw the sign, but it did nothing for my mind. It simply pointed out the fact that coming soon was another shit movie that some large company is going to complain about when people download it for free. They weren’t your demographic anyways. It’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. But what if you love dying? In that case I think it would be better to never love at all, then to love to die. We all love to lie, every three minutes, or so I’m told. Try it, in normal everyday conversation. Try not to lie. I dare you. I love you honey. See, you lied right there. You don’t really love her. You prefer being with her more than you prefer gouging your own eyes out with her tongue. We’re still getting gouged at the pump, we’re still trying to get out of that slump. How big is this block? Pay attention in school or run the fear of being ruled by some upper class prick who sucks dick for a little fuel. Times are tough, we’re getting it from all sides. Be careful out there when you choose to decide.

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Ep 279: Overeaters Anonymous

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“You got so upset because I said you had a small dick.”

Ok, so I got an early press copy of the new Snoop Dogg album entitled “Malice N Wonderland” because obviously we are press, and I just have to say, I don’t understand anymore. The intro, and every single song has a reference to jerkin. Is this some sort of new term the white man doesn’t understand? Like skeet skeet was for them in the 90s, the 00’s are going to be all about jerkin. I thought I used to know what jerkin was, you know, dick in hand, something sexy (or humiliating) on the computer screen, sitting in your desk chair with a paper towel next to you. That was jerkin, but all this jerkin talk on this new album, I just don’t get it. Also, if it hasn’t been said already, let me just throw this out there right now. I think you should retire Snoop. Not because you are getting old or anything like that, but because I don’t believe you have anything else to say that’s worth hearing. It’s ok Snoop, you’ve done a lot for the game, but you are fast approaching the point where if you continue to keep making albums, you will start to negatively effect hip hop. We will all L B C ya later… You can still make beats and produce, just please stop rapping. The game has been really good to you, don’t make the same mistake hundreds before you have made. Get out while the gettin is good.

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Ep 278: Cool Whip

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“Satan outed me as a cock smoking fairy.”

And now I present to you an excerpt from my conversations online with religious people. This is in response to me asking her how she got caught up with the fresh life church movement here. This is word for word in case you were curious. Keep in mind this person is an adult now…

“I see, well it’s funny you ask. Long story short, I as a child chose to believe in Christ. I also slowly began to realise that my mom was completely crazy and was isolated for most of my teen years except for being allowed to attend homeschool choir and church. I’m a musician so I just participated in the youth band…but I was misunderstood there by most everyone so I looked for a different church when I was 18, and eventually went to fresh life a little while before i moved away. I’ve been to the bottum of my existance and back, I’ve looked at my faith as objectively and cynically as possible, nearly leaving it once or twice, and I have found that I can’t just take somebody’s word for how life is, or who God is. It’s a road we all have to take on our own, and if you can find a humble trustworthy person to bounce ideas off of, it helps, but you gotta be able to tell if they’re full of crap or not. I’ve been pretty convinced so far that Levi Lusko of Fresh life is not full of it, so thats really how I was sucked in, and it’s the only church that I really miss. Of course I’m pretty sure I understand what you mean about the children, I was one of them, and I admit I’ve felt brainwashed sometimes. But if you look at those old people churches you might notice how dull and empty they are. I mean who wants to be around crabby old people who sing songs from the 1800’s? not me. And I think it’s really the parents responsibility to not shove anything down thier kids throats… if they do somewhere down the road i think the kids will still realise they have a choice and probably go for the opposite. But i don’t think the church has much control over that except in what they teach. I grew up with plenty of children in church who are now punk rockers, athiests, or whatever because they decided. Well I’ve probably rambled on enough.”

So I reply…

That is troubling to me. You never had a chance, you were the child of christian parents. You think you had a chance, but you never knew any different, and you had the fear put in you at a very early age.  You don’t take somebody’s word for what life is, you figure it out on your own. Saying it’s god is just a cop out to give responsibility to some made up being. Church is all you know, and to step away from that frightens you. The choice shouldn’t be either old people churches or fresh life church, it should be church or no church. All churches boil down to the same basic principles. Just because you are evolving a religion from something dull and boring to something not dull and boring, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a religion. Different shapes of shit are still shit deep down inside. Kids don’t have a choice when they are indoctrinated from birth by being baptized and being forced to go to church, then asking them after a good 10 to 15 years of that whether or not they believe in god. Of course they do, because they are afraid to death that if they don’t, they will burn eternally in this made up place, that preachers invented to scare you into buying into their fake religion in the first place. It’s a very vicious cycle. I would recommend reading the god delusion or letter to a christian nation if you are into expanding your mind.
mat

“That is troubling to me. You never had a chance, you were the child of christian parents. You think you had a chance, but you never knew any different, and you had the fear put in you at a very early age.  You don’t take somebody’s word for what life is, you figure it out on your own. Saying it’s god is just a cop out to give responsibility to some made up being. Church is all you know, and to step away from that frightens you. The choice shouldn’t be either old people churches or fresh life church, it should be church or no church. All churches boil down to the same basic principles. Just because you are evolving a religion from something dull and boring to something not dull and boring, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a religion. Different shapes of shit are still shit deep down inside. Kids don’t have a choice when they are indoctrinated from birth by being baptized and being forced to go to church, then asking them after a good 10 to 15 years of that whether or not they believe in god. Of course they do, because they are afraid to death that if they don’t, they will burn eternally in this made up place, that preachers invented to scare you into buying into their fake religion in the first place. It’s a very vicious cycle. I would recommend reading the god delusion or letter to a christian nation if you are into expanding your mind.”

mat

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Ep 277: African American Friday

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“You’re going to pee for me today.”

Oh my fucking goodness gracious great balls of fire, what a fucking episode. First of all I would like to give a huge inviting welcome to any members of our esteemed Kalispell Police Department that might be listening, mining evidence, building a case against whoever they might be building a case against. Second of all, I would like to say, could you guys please do something about the horrendous meth problem we have here in the Flathead Valley? We would really appreciate it, and it would be nice to see our hard earned monies going to something other than you pulling over people going a little bit over the speed limit. I know people who do meth might be a little on the scary side, but in all honesty, one punch and they pretty much explode. You know, I’ve been debating the whole “Does god exist” thing with a few people over the weekend, and I have to say… These people have NO CLUE! They constantly regurgitate the same bullshit that has been laid to rest eons ago, thinking they are on the cutting edge of whatever is it they think they are doing. It’s like church rots your brain more than television does. I know that might be a hard pill to swallow, but have a discussion with a true believer, and if your ears don’t start bleeding in the first few minutes, maybe you have a chance at saving them. It’s sad, very sad. Have you been so blinded by your own self righteous quest to not burn in this made up eternal hell fire for so long that you’ve completely lost touch with anything that resembles the real world? I totally understand the cliche that ignorance is bliss, but it seems to me there should be some sort of cut off point where once you pass that threshold, you are no longer considered to be living in an acceptable part of reality. You believe because you are afraid to go to hell. You believe because it looks good on paper. You believe because your parents brainwashed you into believing. Take a look for yourself, and I promise what you will find will blow your mind. Religion is ruining our world. Start paying taxes like the rest of us. What makes you so special? I mean besides the obvious fact that you still haven’t grown out of talking to invisible friends. You stopped believing in the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and santa claus right? Well, this is more of the same, and you still believe in it. We need to stop catering to this crap. It’s seriously hurting our society, our planet, and our economy.

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