Ep 278: Cool Whip [93:47m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Satan outed me as a cock smoking fairy.”

And now I present to you an excerpt from my conversations online with religious people. This is in response to me asking her how she got caught up with the fresh life church movement here. This is word for word in case you were curious. Keep in mind this person is an adult now…

“I see, well it’s funny you ask. Long story short, I as a child chose to believe in Christ. I also slowly began to realise that my mom was completely crazy and was isolated for most of my teen years except for being allowed to attend homeschool choir and church. I’m a musician so I just participated in the youth band…but I was misunderstood there by most everyone so I looked for a different church when I was 18, and eventually went to fresh life a little while before i moved away. I’ve been to the bottum of my existance and back, I’ve looked at my faith as objectively and cynically as possible, nearly leaving it once or twice, and I have found that I can’t just take somebody’s word for how life is, or who God is. It’s a road we all have to take on our own, and if you can find a humble trustworthy person to bounce ideas off of, it helps, but you gotta be able to tell if they’re full of crap or not. I’ve been pretty convinced so far that Levi Lusko of Fresh life is not full of it, so thats really how I was sucked in, and it’s the only church that I really miss. Of course I’m pretty sure I understand what you mean about the children, I was one of them, and I admit I’ve felt brainwashed sometimes. But if you look at those old people churches you might notice how dull and empty they are. I mean who wants to be around crabby old people who sing songs from the 1800’s? not me. And I think it’s really the parents responsibility to not shove anything down thier kids throats… if they do somewhere down the road i think the kids will still realise they have a choice and probably go for the opposite. But i don’t think the church has much control over that except in what they teach. I grew up with plenty of children in church who are now punk rockers, athiests, or whatever because they decided. Well I’ve probably rambled on enough.”

So I reply…

“That is troubling to me. You never had a chance, you were the child of christian parents. You think you had a chance, but you never knew any different, and you had the fear put in you at a very early age.  You don’t take somebody’s word for what life is, you figure it out on your own. Saying it’s god is just a cop out to give responsibility to some made up being. Church is all you know, and to step away from that frightens you. The choice shouldn’t be either old people churches or fresh life church, it should be church or no church. All churches boil down to the same basic principles. Just because you are evolving a religion from something dull and boring to something not dull and boring, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a religion. Different shapes of shit are still shit deep down inside. Kids don’t have a choice when they are indoctrinated from birth by being baptized and being forced to go to church, then asking them after a good 10 to 15 years of that whether or not they believe in god. Of course they do, because they are afraid to death that if they don’t, they will burn eternally in this made up place, that preachers invented to scare you into buying into their fake religion in the first place. It’s a very vicious cycle. I would recommend reading the god delusion or letter to a christian nation if you are into expanding your mind.”

mat

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 Ep 277: African American Friday [119:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“You’re going to pee for me today.”

Oh my fucking goodness gracious great balls of fire, what a fucking episode. First of all I would like to give a huge inviting welcome to any members of our esteemed Kalispell Police Department that might be listening, mining evidence, building a case against whoever they might be building a case against. Second of all, I would like to say, could you guys please do something about the horrendous meth problem we have here in the Flathead Valley? We would really appreciate it, and it would be nice to see our hard earned monies going to something other than you pulling over people going a little bit over the speed limit. I know people who do meth might be a little on the scary side, but in all honesty, one punch and they pretty much explode. You know, I’ve been debating the whole “Does god exist” thing with a few people over the weekend, and I have to say… These people have NO CLUE! They constantly regurgitate the same bullshit that has been laid to rest eons ago, thinking they are on the cutting edge of whatever is it they think they are doing. It’s like church rots your brain more than television does. I know that might be a hard pill to swallow, but have a discussion with a true believer, and if your ears don’t start bleeding in the first few minutes, maybe you have a chance at saving them. It’s sad, very sad. Have you been so blinded by your own self righteous quest to not burn in this made up eternal hell fire for so long that you’ve completely lost touch with anything that resembles the real world? I totally understand the cliche that ignorance is bliss, but it seems to me there should be some sort of cut off point where once you pass that threshold, you are no longer considered to be living in an acceptable part of reality. You believe because you are afraid to go to hell. You believe because it looks good on paper. You believe because your parents brainwashed you into believing. Take a look for yourself, and I promise what you will find will blow your mind. Religion is ruining our world. Start paying taxes like the rest of us. What makes you so special? I mean besides the obvious fact that you still haven’t grown out of talking to invisible friends. You stopped believing in the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and santa claus right? Well, this is more of the same, and you still believe in it. We need to stop catering to this crap. It’s seriously hurting our society, our planet, and our economy.

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 Ep 276: Climate Change [92:15m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I know you weren’t gay, I was just hoping you were bi.”

Another holiday skewed by the time that has passed. Of course it sounds nice to tell your children that the pilgrims and the Indians sat down and shared a feast together, that is not what really happened. The real story of thanksgiving is filled with greed and bloodshed. It has even been touted as the most terrifying bloodshed in new world history. When the pilgrims came to the new world from england, they were very unprepared and had to rely heavily on handouts from the generous Indians. The Indians weren’t even invited by the pilgrims to the meal. The pilgrims invited the Indian leader, whose name was Massasoit, and he in turned invited around ninety other Indians, which the pilgrims were not pleased about. The pilgrims indulged in their brew, which they preferred to drink even more than water. This daily inebriation led their governor, William Bradford, to comment on his peoples notorious sin, which included rampant sodomy. The pilgrims got drunk and fucked things in the ass. Happy Thanksgiving!

(Excerpt from this site)
Just days before the alleged Thanksgiving love-fest, a company of Pilgrims led by Myles Standish actively sought to chop off the head of a local chief. They deliberately caused a rivalry between two friendly Indians, pitting one against the other in an attempt to obtain “better intelligence and make them both more diligent.” An 11-foot-high wall was erected around the entire settlement for the purpose of keeping the Indians out. Any Indian who came within the vicinity of the Pilgrim settlement was subject to robbery, enslavement, or even murder. The Pilgrims further advertised their evil intentions and white racial hostility, when they mounted five cannons on a hill around their settlement, constructed a platform for artillery, and then organized their soldiers into four companies-all in preparation for the military destruction of their friends the Indians. Pilgrim Myles Standish eventually got his bloody prize. He went to the Indians, pretended to be a trader, then beheaded an Indian man named Wituwamat. He brought the head to Plymouth, where it was displayed on a wooden spike for many years, according to Gary B. Nash, “as a symbol of white power.” Standish had the Indian man’s young brother hanged from the rafters for good measure. From that time on, the whites were known to the Indians of Massachusetts by the name “Wotowquenange,” which in their tongue meant cutthroats and stabbers. To read more about the real thanksgiving, check out this site. I really think people need to know what they are celebrating. Just like Columbus day.

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 Ep 275: Sticky Stuff [101:40m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I don’t want to feel any scruff on my balls.”

The world is going to end December 21st, 2012, or so I’ve been told… What’s really funny is there are people out there who actually believe this crap. I was listening to the SGU (Skeptics Guide to the Universe) recently and someone they were interviewing mentioned something about setting up a website for all of the people who believe the world is going to end on 2012 to donate all of their worldly possessions. His theory is that if the world is going to end in a couple years, those believers aren’t going to need their belongings. Why not give it to someone else to worry about. I think this is a fantastic idea. So if we have any believers in the whole world is going to end in 2012 thing, I would like to open up The Jamhole as a receiver of your stuff. Whatever you own, go ahead and send it to The Jamhole’s PO box. We will gladly take the burden of your worldly possessions off of you, and carry it on our broad shoulders. I’m sure you have lots of other things to worry about, with the whole world coming to a swift and abrupt end and all. So get your affairs in order. Make your peace, and send us all your stuff. Preferably in the form of cash money. But hey, we’re not picky.

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 Danni's Surgery Documentary [32:20m]: Download

Me Inside – A Walk Thru My Guts with Danni

This is a special video documentary formatted for your ipod video / itouch, for anyone who wants to see what it was like for Danni before, during, and after her laparoscopic surgery. Prior to the surgery, Danni looked around the internet but couldn’t find a start to finish video of what to expect as she mentally prepared to go under the knife. So we figured, why not make our own. The video starts out the morning of the surgery on October 22nd (Mat’s birthday) as Mat takes Danni to the Surgery Center in Kalispell Montana. Then you get a nice look as the doctors hook her up to the machines and IV before being wheeled off into the actual surgery room. Here’s where it gets in depth. We have actual footage of what the doctor saw as he was performing the surgery. After that we get Danni’s first hand account of what it feels like moments after waking up from having a large tumor and her left ovary removed, not to mention a bit of endometriosis taken out. Then we follow Danni through her recovery process as she heals, and talks about all the highs and lows of the procedure. We would like to thank Shawn for every office visit leading up to the surgery, Doctor Robert M. Rogers Jr MD. at Northwest Women’s Health Care for performing the surgery, as well as all of the nurses and staff that helped out and were cool with us filming them. We would also like to thank Keith Mcnally for putting this whole thing together for us. We couldn’t have done it without you.

 

 Ep 274: Just The Tip [101:48m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I got like a little period blood stain in my pants.”

What a week, long drawn out, day to day work delivering thousands of pounds of water. I love the job, it’s nice to not sit on my ass all day. Keeps the blood flowing, keeps the love handles at bay. I’m gonna be honest with you all here. I love jerking off. Not as much as I love getting my dicked sucked, which is a little more than I love straight up fucking, but the point is, you know when you jerk off and you blow your load into a sock, or in my case, a damp paper towel, and you think you got all the semen out of your dick? There are few things in the world more annoying than a couple minutes after you thought you got all the semen out of your dick, when you start to feel a little wet spot in your pants. I wish the penis had a shut off valve or something. Once I’m done busting my nut, that should be it. I don’t want to have to deal with a leaky dick for the next ten minutes. Especially if you are at work, you find a nice bathroom to go jerk off in real quick. You can’t be wasting time waiting for all the semen to finish leaking out of your cock. I’m gonna let you all in on a little secret. Maybe it’s something you have all known for years, but I just figured this out in the past few months. The cure to stop semen from leaking out of your cock after jerking off is this. Go pee after you jerk off. The urine will flush out any semen that may be chilling inside your cock. Before my surgery turned my dick into frankencock, I experimented around with this. It works every time. I’m really looking forward to getting the stitches out of my cock. Have you ever had just the tip of your dick sucked? It fucking sucks. Sure you think it’s going to be great, and at first it is. But it leaves you wanting more. I’m hopefully getting the stitches taken out Monday, and shortly thereafter it’s going to be on. On like donkey kong. But for now, just the tip.

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 Ep 273: Walka Walka 4000 [84:01m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Our future is in such jeopardy it’s not even funny.”

So I’m doing my route today just like I would any other normal Thursday, and I drive by this karate dojo of sorts. Now, I say karate as a generic term for whatever kind of special martial arts they teach. I’m not exactly sure what they had going on in there today, but if I had to guess from the looks of it, I would say that today was “Cuddle up with your bro” day. So the first time I drive by, I glance in their windows and I see a row of bro’s, some kneeling, some sitting cross legged on the floor, and in back of each bro was another bro who had his arms around the bro that was sitting. Weird I thought to myself. So I continue on with my route, and I end up driving back by the dojo about an hour later. What the fuck, I think to myself. The same thing is happening. A row of bro’s on the floor, backed up by another row of bro’s with their arms around them. What the fuck are they teaching in here? I understand the whole “Being macho” thing, but holy fuck dudes, there is nothing bad ass or macho about sitting down on the floor with a dude in back of you with his arms around your neck / shoulder area. Maybe it was celebrate a gay day or something silly like that. I never understood the allure of going to places like this. Usually the leader is some washed up ex karate kid type with way too much testosterone pumping from his over inflated balls to his under used brain, running around telling the kids to punch him in the balls. Oh well. What really surprises me is that in these oh so tough economic times, people still waste money on this shit. It’s not like we live in the dark ages where your very survival depends on your ability to fight, or to wrestle a dude to the ground. I’ve managed to go my whole life without so much as a punch in the face. Ok, I take that back, I got punched in the face once. But seriously, what the fuck are they teaching you in those places that justifies the amount of money your going to spend? I say, give me a hundred bucks, and I’ll sit you down in front of some jet li movies for a few hours. Just mimic what he does and you’ll be fine. Because seriously, unless your a drunk ass piece of shit, you’re never going to end up in a situation where you need to know how to get away from a gay dude trying to give you a back massage. My daddy always taught me never to fight unless you’re willing to kill the person. Because if you fight them, it will never end, and you will always have to watch your back waiting for the day that person comes back looking for revenge. If you get in a fight, kill the person, then it’s finished. If you aren’t willing to kill the person, it’s probably in your best interest to just laugh it off and walk away. Unless of course your looking for a gay back massage. And another thing, enough with the mixed martial arts already. I get it, you can kick ass. Congratulations. Where in today’s modern society is that ever going to come in handy, other than kicking ass and getting ass kicked in a ring for the entertainment of a bunch of fags who think they are tough because they wear “Tapout” shirts. You guys are stupid, and if you don’t like it, come say something to me. I’ll fucking kill you.

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 Ep 272: Baby Girls [79:15m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“It’s like your dick got lipo and you didn’t get the stomach staple with it because your broke.”

I’m taking the day off. There’s plenty of other shit to read on the internet. I need a break. The new metalocalypse season is fucking awesome. The new Venture Bros season is fucking awesome. Stargate Universe is still pretty cool, as is dexter, family guy, heroes, sanctuary, the big bang theory, and american dad. The new south park season is amazing as usual.

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 Ep 271: Valroids [87:44m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I gave you an artificial erection, to make sure that the stitches would hold.”

The healing time begins. Everything seems weird to me now, like I’m watching it from above, play out below me. Sure I can interact with it, but sometimes it’s more fun to just sit back and watch. I’m not sure how long this lasts for, maybe its the dream state created by the pain meds, maybe it’s the way my body is choosing to deal with the trauma. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. I’m not looking forward to going back to work, but we all gotta make money. The three day weekend was nice, but like all good things, it comes to an end. It needs to. If we were constantly on vacation, that would turn into work, and it wouldn’t be as fun. You’ll see what I’m talking about. Wearing the jock strap became more uncomfortable than it was worth, so I took it off. You were all laughing at me anyways, so I didn’t think it mattered.

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 Ep 270: Quantum Leap [97:46m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“I’m not a doctor, and the device is what does the work on your body.”

It’s now the evening of Thursday, November 12th 2009, and I just got finished up another long back breaking day of work. The only thought running laps in my mind has been the surreal fact that in the next 24 hours, I will have my first ever surgery. The kicker is that the first surgery I get to experience just so happens to be on my dick. Yea, I thought the same exact thing, lucky me. I imagine it going a little something like this: I arrive at noon, greeted with smiles from both sides of the facility. I will of course, have to fill out more paper work. They will offer me some water. Being slightly parched from my conventional nervousness I will graciously accept the little paper cup. I down it in one big gulp, and I instantly know something is off. Too late. The water has a weird taste, must be Culligan… Oh fuck, here we go. Everything starts imprudently shifting, eyes getting blurry, head getting fuzzy, equilibrium all fucked up, brain dizzy, watch out for the floor Mat… I’m somehow caught in mid fall by a large man pushing a wheel chair. Where did he come from I think to myself. Weird… As I drift in and out of consciousness, he wheels me into the operating room, where my now limp body is carefully transferred onto the cold lifeless metal that is the surgery table. Nightmarish imagery flashes in and out of my mind’s eye, taking bits and pieces from what my real eyes are seeing and transforming them into something reminiscent of a horrorfest movie. I’m surrounded by a group of people I don’t know, all waiting for the harbinger to raise the mighty scalpel and bury it into my shaft. In a ritualistic sacrifice of sorts, the group joins hands as they chant the ancient words. This is the exorcyst. This is my penile exorcystem of a down… (ok, that was a stretch) The demon that has made my woody woodpecker it’s home will be forcefully ejaculated, but not without putting up a fight. Somehow it feels like the demon is holding on. It doesn’t want to leave. They never leave quietly, and not without fucking some shit up first. I can feel the tentacles tightening their grasp on whatever part of my corpus spongiosum they are entangled in. I feel them loosen with each swipe of the blade, I can hear the shrieks of the dying demon within. Should have chosen another place to hole up in demon. In this battle, you will not emerge the victor. I will. I already have. One down, two to go. In the quantum universe, this is all said and done. I am back home relaxing, nursing my wound, icing my cock and balls. Then again, in another universe, something went horribly wrong and they had to amputate my captain hook. Let’s all wish me luck!

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