Tag Archives: kalispell - Page 2

Ep 282: Rape Child

Play

“I can’t strip to this.”

There’s something wrong with the world today, I don’t know what it is. Oh wait a minute, yes I do. I have a long list of shit that seriously needs to stop happening before we can continue to evolve as a society, as a species, and as individual human beings. First and foremost, this under age teen pregnancy shit has got to stop. There is nothing fun about having kids, unless you consider wrecking the holy fuck out of your twat / stomach / sex life / life in general, fun. Or spending over $10,000 in the first year alone, or waking up at all hours of the night to a screaming pile of tears, piss and shit fun. I don’t know what your definition of fun is, but that is not mine. I honestly don’t see the appeal of having to deal with something like that for the next 18 to 30 years of my life. No thanks. Honestly, I don’t think you could pay me enough money to deal with that type of shit. Plus, have you seen how many people we have managed to pack onto this little planet of ours? We are almost at seven BILLION people! That is completely fucking ridiculous and unacceptable. We have gotten lazy, fat, apathetic, and pathetic as a culture, and the more time goes by, the more we are showing signs of these sad physical and mental problems. Every day I’m out in the thick of it, dealing with these fucking retards, and I see that look of self entitlement on the faces of damn near every person I pass by, and it makes me want to punch them right in their stolid smug faces. Perhaps it’s more blatant up here in the Flathead Valley because there is such a strong, blind religious following. These people love to breed uncontrollably, are against abortion, are the biggest self righteous hypocrites you’ll ever cross paths with, and above all else, place the blame for their fucked up lives not on themselves, but on their made up invisible friends. If life is good, then it’s god making it good and answering their prayers. If life is shit, then it’s satan fucking with them. I love this valley a lot. It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived, but the people here leave much to be desired, both on an intellectual level, and on a nice human being level. Tune in next episode as we continue to go through the list of why shit is all fucked up. This is chapter one.

Read more »

Ep 281: Sexcapades

Play

“That’s one of the fringe benefits of being a homo is punching bitches.”

Every now and then there comes a time when bitches go and over step their boundaries. This has happened twice before in Jamhole history, where we actually took notice enough to put the call out to all Jamholians, to put a bitch in their place. Well, it’s happened again. The first time I can remember was a crazy stalker ex boyfriend of a girl I had some interest in a long time ago, the second time was a crazy psycho dead beat dad ex of a girl a friend of the show was dating. Well, this time it was neither a male, nor an ex of anyone. Basically, to sum up the story Danni told on the show here, some bitch found some pictures of Danni and put them up on 4chan (they have since been removed), along with Danni’s myspace and phone number stating that she was lonely. The pictures were apparently from when Danni was dating this guy a long time ago, and I guess that was enough to make this bitch freak the fuck out when she found them. I’m not sure why this guy still has pictures of Danni, and that really is neither here nor there. This is where you guys come in. We think it would be a good idea for you all to call up this fat fuck troll named Heather and let her know that putting people’s information on the internet without justifiable cause is not ok. Her phone number is 941.914.0502. You can text her pictures of your penis, or poop, call her, leave her messages, and basically get the point across that until she calls our voicemail line at 406.204.4687 with an apology, this will not stop. Feel free to make a craigslist posting, subscribe her to whatever sms services you can find, etc… Be creative. If there is one thing you are all good at, it’s teaching a lesson to stupid fat fuck pigs like Heather… And Heather, if you are reading this, all you have to do to make this stop is call 406.204.4687 and apologize. Once you do that, you can go back to your shitty life, stuffing your fat face with twinkies and ding dongs, or whatever it is you fat fucks stuff your fat faces with these days. Thank you.

Read more »

Ep 280: Fear

Play

“Yea, they fuck sheep and stuff, so…”

Today I took a stroll around the writer’s block, needing to go out for some fresh air. The air was chilly, the clouds hung in place like large cottony fluff. Don’t step on a crack, or else you break your mother’s back. I wonder what happens if you smoke it? Does her back catch on fire? Avoid walking under ladders because some how you will ruin your whole day. Further down the block I saw the sign, but it did nothing for my mind. It simply pointed out the fact that coming soon was another shit movie that some large company is going to complain about when people download it for free. They weren’t your demographic anyways. It’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. But what if you love dying? In that case I think it would be better to never love at all, then to love to die. We all love to lie, every three minutes, or so I’m told. Try it, in normal everyday conversation. Try not to lie. I dare you. I love you honey. See, you lied right there. You don’t really love her. You prefer being with her more than you prefer gouging your own eyes out with her tongue. We’re still getting gouged at the pump, we’re still trying to get out of that slump. How big is this block? Pay attention in school or run the fear of being ruled by some upper class prick who sucks dick for a little fuel. Times are tough, we’re getting it from all sides. Be careful out there when you choose to decide.

Read more »

Ep 279: Overeaters Anonymous

Play

“You got so upset because I said you had a small dick.”

Ok, so I got an early press copy of the new Snoop Dogg album entitled “Malice N Wonderland” because obviously we are press, and I just have to say, I don’t understand anymore. The intro, and every single song has a reference to jerkin. Is this some sort of new term the white man doesn’t understand? Like skeet skeet was for them in the 90s, the 00’s are going to be all about jerkin. I thought I used to know what jerkin was, you know, dick in hand, something sexy (or humiliating) on the computer screen, sitting in your desk chair with a paper towel next to you. That was jerkin, but all this jerkin talk on this new album, I just don’t get it. Also, if it hasn’t been said already, let me just throw this out there right now. I think you should retire Snoop. Not because you are getting old or anything like that, but because I don’t believe you have anything else to say that’s worth hearing. It’s ok Snoop, you’ve done a lot for the game, but you are fast approaching the point where if you continue to keep making albums, you will start to negatively effect hip hop. We will all L B C ya later… You can still make beats and produce, just please stop rapping. The game has been really good to you, don’t make the same mistake hundreds before you have made. Get out while the gettin is good.

Read more »

Ep 278: Cool Whip

Play

“Satan outed me as a cock smoking fairy.”

And now I present to you an excerpt from my conversations online with religious people. This is in response to me asking her how she got caught up with the fresh life church movement here. This is word for word in case you were curious. Keep in mind this person is an adult now…

“I see, well it’s funny you ask. Long story short, I as a child chose to believe in Christ. I also slowly began to realise that my mom was completely crazy and was isolated for most of my teen years except for being allowed to attend homeschool choir and church. I’m a musician so I just participated in the youth band…but I was misunderstood there by most everyone so I looked for a different church when I was 18, and eventually went to fresh life a little while before i moved away. I’ve been to the bottum of my existance and back, I’ve looked at my faith as objectively and cynically as possible, nearly leaving it once or twice, and I have found that I can’t just take somebody’s word for how life is, or who God is. It’s a road we all have to take on our own, and if you can find a humble trustworthy person to bounce ideas off of, it helps, but you gotta be able to tell if they’re full of crap or not. I’ve been pretty convinced so far that Levi Lusko of Fresh life is not full of it, so thats really how I was sucked in, and it’s the only church that I really miss. Of course I’m pretty sure I understand what you mean about the children, I was one of them, and I admit I’ve felt brainwashed sometimes. But if you look at those old people churches you might notice how dull and empty they are. I mean who wants to be around crabby old people who sing songs from the 1800’s? not me. And I think it’s really the parents responsibility to not shove anything down thier kids throats… if they do somewhere down the road i think the kids will still realise they have a choice and probably go for the opposite. But i don’t think the church has much control over that except in what they teach. I grew up with plenty of children in church who are now punk rockers, athiests, or whatever because they decided. Well I’ve probably rambled on enough.”

So I reply…

That is troubling to me. You never had a chance, you were the child of christian parents. You think you had a chance, but you never knew any different, and you had the fear put in you at a very early age.  You don’t take somebody’s word for what life is, you figure it out on your own. Saying it’s god is just a cop out to give responsibility to some made up being. Church is all you know, and to step away from that frightens you. The choice shouldn’t be either old people churches or fresh life church, it should be church or no church. All churches boil down to the same basic principles. Just because you are evolving a religion from something dull and boring to something not dull and boring, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a religion. Different shapes of shit are still shit deep down inside. Kids don’t have a choice when they are indoctrinated from birth by being baptized and being forced to go to church, then asking them after a good 10 to 15 years of that whether or not they believe in god. Of course they do, because they are afraid to death that if they don’t, they will burn eternally in this made up place, that preachers invented to scare you into buying into their fake religion in the first place. It’s a very vicious cycle. I would recommend reading the god delusion or letter to a christian nation if you are into expanding your mind.
mat

“That is troubling to me. You never had a chance, you were the child of christian parents. You think you had a chance, but you never knew any different, and you had the fear put in you at a very early age.  You don’t take somebody’s word for what life is, you figure it out on your own. Saying it’s god is just a cop out to give responsibility to some made up being. Church is all you know, and to step away from that frightens you. The choice shouldn’t be either old people churches or fresh life church, it should be church or no church. All churches boil down to the same basic principles. Just because you are evolving a religion from something dull and boring to something not dull and boring, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a religion. Different shapes of shit are still shit deep down inside. Kids don’t have a choice when they are indoctrinated from birth by being baptized and being forced to go to church, then asking them after a good 10 to 15 years of that whether or not they believe in god. Of course they do, because they are afraid to death that if they don’t, they will burn eternally in this made up place, that preachers invented to scare you into buying into their fake religion in the first place. It’s a very vicious cycle. I would recommend reading the god delusion or letter to a christian nation if you are into expanding your mind.”

mat

Read more »

Ep 277: African American Friday

Play

“You’re going to pee for me today.”

Oh my fucking goodness gracious great balls of fire, what a fucking episode. First of all I would like to give a huge inviting welcome to any members of our esteemed Kalispell Police Department that might be listening, mining evidence, building a case against whoever they might be building a case against. Second of all, I would like to say, could you guys please do something about the horrendous meth problem we have here in the Flathead Valley? We would really appreciate it, and it would be nice to see our hard earned monies going to something other than you pulling over people going a little bit over the speed limit. I know people who do meth might be a little on the scary side, but in all honesty, one punch and they pretty much explode. You know, I’ve been debating the whole “Does god exist” thing with a few people over the weekend, and I have to say… These people have NO CLUE! They constantly regurgitate the same bullshit that has been laid to rest eons ago, thinking they are on the cutting edge of whatever is it they think they are doing. It’s like church rots your brain more than television does. I know that might be a hard pill to swallow, but have a discussion with a true believer, and if your ears don’t start bleeding in the first few minutes, maybe you have a chance at saving them. It’s sad, very sad. Have you been so blinded by your own self righteous quest to not burn in this made up eternal hell fire for so long that you’ve completely lost touch with anything that resembles the real world? I totally understand the cliche that ignorance is bliss, but it seems to me there should be some sort of cut off point where once you pass that threshold, you are no longer considered to be living in an acceptable part of reality. You believe because you are afraid to go to hell. You believe because it looks good on paper. You believe because your parents brainwashed you into believing. Take a look for yourself, and I promise what you will find will blow your mind. Religion is ruining our world. Start paying taxes like the rest of us. What makes you so special? I mean besides the obvious fact that you still haven’t grown out of talking to invisible friends. You stopped believing in the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and santa claus right? Well, this is more of the same, and you still believe in it. We need to stop catering to this crap. It’s seriously hurting our society, our planet, and our economy.

Read more »

Ep 275: Sticky Stuff

Play

“I don’t want to feel any scruff on my balls.”

The world is going to end December 21st, 2012, or so I’ve been told… What’s really funny is there are people out there who actually believe this crap. I was listening to the SGU (Skeptics Guide to the Universe) recently and someone they were interviewing mentioned something about setting up a website for all of the people who believe the world is going to end on 2012 to donate all of their worldly possessions. His theory is that if the world is going to end in a couple years, those believers aren’t going to need their belongings. Why not give it to someone else to worry about. I think this is a fantastic idea. So if we have any believers in the whole world is going to end in 2012 thing, I would like to open up The Jamhole as a receiver of your stuff. Whatever you own, go ahead and send it to The Jamhole’s PO box. We will gladly take the burden of your worldly possessions off of you, and carry it on our broad shoulders. I’m sure you have lots of other things to worry about, with the whole world coming to a swift and abrupt end and all. So get your affairs in order. Make your peace, and send us all your stuff. Preferably in the form of cash money. But hey, we’re not picky.

Read more »

Ep 273: Walka Walka 4000

Play

“Our future is in such jeopardy it’s not even funny.”

So I’m doing my route today just like I would any other normal Thursday, and I drive by this karate dojo of sorts. Now, I say karate as a generic term for whatever kind of special martial arts they teach. I’m not exactly sure what they had going on in there today, but if I had to guess from the looks of it, I would say that today was “Cuddle up with your bro” day. So the first time I drive by, I glance in their windows and I see a row of bro’s, some kneeling, some sitting cross legged on the floor, and in back of each bro was another bro who had his arms around the bro that was sitting. Weird I thought to myself. So I continue on with my route, and I end up driving back by the dojo about an hour later. What the fuck, I think to myself. The same thing is happening. A row of bro’s on the floor, backed up by another row of bro’s with their arms around them. What the fuck are they teaching in here? I understand the whole “Being macho” thing, but holy fuck dudes, there is nothing bad ass or macho about sitting down on the floor with a dude in back of you with his arms around your neck / shoulder area. Maybe it was celebrate a gay day or something silly like that. I never understood the allure of going to places like this. Usually the leader is some washed up ex karate kid type with way too much testosterone pumping from his over inflated balls to his under used brain, running around telling the kids to punch him in the balls. Oh well. What really surprises me is that in these oh so tough economic times, people still waste money on this shit. It’s not like we live in the dark ages where your very survival depends on your ability to fight, or to wrestle a dude to the ground. I’ve managed to go my whole life without so much as a punch in the face. Ok, I take that back, I got punched in the face once. But seriously, what the fuck are they teaching you in those places that justifies the amount of money your going to spend? I say, give me a hundred bucks, and I’ll sit you down in front of some jet li movies for a few hours. Just mimic what he does and you’ll be fine. Because seriously, unless your a drunk ass piece of shit, you’re never going to end up in a situation where you need to know how to get away from a gay dude trying to give you a back massage. My daddy always taught me never to fight unless you’re willing to kill the person. Because if you fight them, it will never end, and you will always have to watch your back waiting for the day that person comes back looking for revenge. If you get in a fight, kill the person, then it’s finished. If you aren’t willing to kill the person, it’s probably in your best interest to just laugh it off and walk away. Unless of course your looking for a gay back massage. And another thing, enough with the mixed martial arts already. I get it, you can kick ass. Congratulations. Where in today’s modern society is that ever going to come in handy, other than kicking ass and getting ass kicked in a ring for the entertainment of a bunch of fags who think they are tough because they wear “Tapout” shirts. You guys are stupid, and if you don’t like it, come say something to me. I’ll fucking kill you.

Read more »

Ep 272: Baby Girls

Play

“It’s like your dick got lipo and you didn’t get the stomach staple with it because your broke.”

I’m taking the day off. There’s plenty of other shit to read on the internet. I need a break. The new metalocalypse season is fucking awesome. The new Venture Bros season is fucking awesome. Stargate Universe is still pretty cool, as is dexter, family guy, heroes, sanctuary, the big bang theory, and american dad. The new south park season is amazing as usual.

Read more »

Ep 270: Quantum Leap

Play

“I’m not a doctor, and the device is what does the work on your body.”

It’s now the evening of Thursday, November 12th 2009, and I just got finished up another long back breaking day of work. The only thought running laps in my mind has been the surreal fact that in the next 24 hours, I will have my first ever surgery. The kicker is that the first surgery I get to experience just so happens to be on my dick. Yea, I thought the same exact thing, lucky me. I imagine it going a little something like this: I arrive at noon, greeted with smiles from both sides of the facility. I will of course, have to fill out more paper work. They will offer me some water. Being slightly parched from my conventional nervousness I will graciously accept the little paper cup. I down it in one big gulp, and I instantly know something is off. Too late. The water has a weird taste, must be Culligan… Oh fuck, here we go. Everything starts imprudently shifting, eyes getting blurry, head getting fuzzy, equilibrium all fucked up, brain dizzy, watch out for the floor Mat… I’m somehow caught in mid fall by a large man pushing a wheel chair. Where did he come from I think to myself. Weird… As I drift in and out of consciousness, he wheels me into the operating room, where my now limp body is carefully transferred onto the cold lifeless metal that is the surgery table. Nightmarish imagery flashes in and out of my mind’s eye, taking bits and pieces from what my real eyes are seeing and transforming them into something reminiscent of a horrorfest movie. I’m surrounded by a group of people I don’t know, all waiting for the harbinger to raise the mighty scalpel and bury it into my shaft. In a ritualistic sacrifice of sorts, the group joins hands as they chant the ancient words. This is the exorcyst. This is my penile exorcystem of a down… (ok, that was a stretch) The demon that has made my woody woodpecker it’s home will be forcefully ejaculated, but not without putting up a fight. Somehow it feels like the demon is holding on. It doesn’t want to leave. They never leave quietly, and not without fucking some shit up first. I can feel the tentacles tightening their grasp on whatever part of my corpus spongiosum they are entangled in. I feel them loosen with each swipe of the blade, I can hear the shrieks of the dying demon within. Should have chosen another place to hole up in demon. In this battle, you will not emerge the victor. I will. I already have. One down, two to go. In the quantum universe, this is all said and done. I am back home relaxing, nursing my wound, icing my cock and balls. Then again, in another universe, something went horribly wrong and they had to amputate my captain hook. Let’s all wish me luck!

Read more »